Signs of conflict

Decoded genomes and wired planets trash your solar house.

By Thomas Scoville

April 22, 2000 | April 22, 2000

April-May 2000

Are you really a geek Taurus? If you disagree with at least three of the statements below, your moon or ascendant is in a conflicting sign. Either that, or astrology itself is constructed on completely bogus astrophysical assumptions. You decide.

1) You're a raving skeptic, but you're mysteriously drawn to this column anyway.
2) You don't believe in UFOs, but you do believe that the market capitalization of Amazon.com is justified.
3) Not only was there a second gunman, there was a second grassy knoll.
4) You call the shots in a relationship -- er, hypothetically, anyway.
5) Linus Torvalds? Total babe!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This month's meta-question comes from a curious Taurus in Portland, Ore.: "Dear Geek Astrology -- Is there any future in fortunetelling?" Well, dear reader, I've gazed into the crystal ball, and it isn't pretty: By 2100, roving bands of autonomous gypsy robots will hunt you down in stores like the Gap and Barnes & Noble (which by that time will enjoy national sovereignty). Before you'll be able to protest, they will have obtained a tissue sample (ouch!) and decoded your genome with a nano-analyzer that bears a suspicious resemblance to a chrome human skull on a stick. You'll get a spreadsheet predicting your future medical, employment and sexual history with a +/-.0005 percent certainty, along with a coupon for a free double mocha at Starbucks -- a $200 value. Scary!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Roswell meets human resources! What seems at first to be a case of alien abduction turns out to be Silicon Valley-style job transition: Key members of your technical staff inexplicably vanish, then reappear days later working for a competitor, and with no recollection of you or your company whatsoever. Mysteriously, all their salaries have increased. Extensive hypnosis recovers dim memories of a slender, almond-eyed "recruiter" with unworldly powers of suggestion.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Naughty fantasy morphs into disturbing, hyper-dimensional flirtation: Tamely bisexual Gemini chat-room partner turns out to be a transgendered, polymorphously perverse erotonaut sysadmin with, er, universal services bus. Kinky! Pipes, sockets or semaphores, this red-hot mama/papa/virtual farm animal swings in six different dimensions at the same time -- you'll need an advanced degree in Lobachevskian geometry just to figure out the foreplay. You'll never be the same -- !ybab ,hoO

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Think those are wildly original ideas you've been having lately? You may be giving yourself too much credit; your alleged powers of independent thought are being steadily eroded by Microsoft cognitive imperialism. PowerPoint presentations have infiltrated your subconscious; in fact, you'll notice you're actually starting to dream in bullet points. And what you've mistaken for the Muse is actually that annoying little paper-clip "helper" -- you know the one -- who's constantly interrupting with irrelevant advice and stupid suggestions. Next time you brainstorm, try pencil and paper. Radical!

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Variations on cosmic game theory, offered for your edification: Einstein famously asserted, "God does not play dice with the universe." Actually -- as God herself subsequently published in the obscure Journal of Divinity and High Energy Physics -- it's more like a combination of curling, donkey baseball and naked ultimate Frisbee: fast, nearly frictionless, vaguely embarrassing and full of third parties who really wish you would get off their backs. Unfortunately, this clarification goes widely underreported because it doesn't have the same catchy ring to it -- typical.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
"Call me Ishmael.com:" Single-minded pursuit of e-commerce fortune is starting to look an awful lot like an updated version of "Moby-Dick," as your electronic-age great white whale sloughs off your virtual harpoons and generally makes a mockery of your business plan -- not to mention your very existence. Skeptical Neptune surfaces to declare you're not equal to the task. Quit while you still have two legs to stand on.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Info-chagrin! Network privacy invasions ruin your life as every unsavory Web site you've ever visited comes back to haunt you: Pressed for profits, e-commerce marketeers have given up on banner ads and consumer profiling, resorting instead to plain old blackmail -- your entire Web-surfing history will be e-mailed to your mother's AOL address unless you supply Visa, Amex or Mastercard number (secure transaction, of course). OK, OK -- it was only a bad dream. You hope.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Relentless robotic focus on technological imperatives has turned you into an asocial automaton; you're having difficulty passing the Turing test, even with your family and loved ones. Time to gather up what remains of your disintegrating humanity and explore your nonlinear side: Train a cat to fetch; attempt telepathic contact with giant koi; try to find the hidden Christian messages in Marilyn Manson CDs.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Tip for Capricorn project managers: Overactive imaginations and generally paranoid worldview make geeks particularly vulnerable to the proposition that absolutely everything is secretly controlled by baroque conspiracies and hermetic organizations. The fools; as if it were that simple. Reassure your managees with the standard pep talk about self-reliance, hard work, meritocracy and the level playing field. Try not to laugh. Then proceed with Trilateral Commission Secret Plan "X." See you at the Masonic Lodge on Thursday night. Don't forget the funny hat.

Fnord.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sudden appearance of upstart infobusiness paradigm catalyzes a dynamic restructuring of the organization, the most visible effect of which is a sudden glut of parking in the company lot. Unfortunately, these new vacancies generate considerable back-pressure on the org chart; excitement and nausea shake hands as premature promotion sucks you up the corporate hierarchy. Later this lunar cycle, when nasty Mr. NASDAQ reminds you it's a big, scary world out there, unhitch your self-esteem from your stock options and try to remember why you decided on a career in technology in the first place. You do remember, don't you?

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Your wide-open business-to-business e-commerce opportunity becomes close-quarters hand-to-hand combat as eager imitators rush to the game. Still, it's important to project a winning attitude to shareholders, even as the opposition attempts to gouge out your eyes and kick field goals with your spleen. Now is not the time to lose that cocky, dot-com smirk. Besides, you'll be able to wear it with so much more authority once you've earned it -- if you survive, that is.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Newly completed systems architecture turns out to be eerily reflective of management: Front-end friendliness masks back-end hostility; plain data is relentlessly obfuscated beneath layers of indirection and abstraction; rampant polymorphisms render carrots indistinguishable from sticks. Look for increasing burnout factor on the 28th, when your oh-so-toasted cerebrum is further scorched by fabulously conflicting and wrongheaded theoretical assumptions. Fight back with a fusillade of confusing yet profound-sounding aphorisms like, "A stitched pot never boils spilt milk under the bridge," "When you're carrying a hammer, everything looks like a cockroach" and "Are you Sarah Connor?"

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