Ask the pilot

Runners-up, the Salon.com Readers Choice Hall of Shame:

America West

"America West. We boarded, the doors closed, and we waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, the purser comes on and says, 'We apologize for the delay. A piece of the wing has fallen off and we are waiting for a mechanic to tell us if that's important.'"

U.S. Airways

"Surly people, bad prices and uncomfortable planes, need I say more?"

"Their staff are hostile, deliberately unhelpful, ignorant and unprofessional."

ATA Airlines

"I can't say that I find any airline to be consistently great or better than others. But ATA is, hands down, consistently horrible. They've lost my luggage three times. They are rude, unkempt, and disorganized every time."

The former American Trans Air is now referred to by the empty and meaningless acronym, "ATA." Diehards may insist on the fuller and funnier "American Trans Air Airlines." Either way, ATA has been around since 1973, primarily a charter carrier but now with its own low-fare domestic network. They could use a new name and, evidently, a new attitude.

United Airlines

"A couple of years ago, I flew on United to Tokyo. It was a long time since I'd flown a U.S. airline, and I was astonished. The cabin was tattered; the staff were rude; the food was horrible; there were no individual TV screens."

"United Economy: cramped, overbooked, no legroom, and no business comforts like in-seat power ports. Their personal movie screens are frequently broken or poorly maintained."

"United at one time was my favorite airline, but their service has plummeted. I've received outright lies from the gate personnel: "Our rescheduled departure time is 3:15." Meanwhile it's 3:05 and the incoming flight hasn't even arrived yet. If you're in O'Hare some night when the inevitable thunderstorms move in, be prepared for a hell like you've never imagined, with callous disregard by the airline for its customers."

"United Airlines is the worst. So bad. So very, very bad. Absurdly bad. Incredibly bad. Insultingly bad. Just oozing badness out of every pore. Well, maybe not that bad. But lordy, they're not good!"

Delta Air Lines

"Whenever possible, I avoid Delta altogether. On occasion, when I end up having to take one of their flights, the experience is consistently awful."

"Their jets are as filthy as cattle cars."

"Their planes are a mess."

"Their aircraft look like they haven't been renovated or cleaned since 1980."

For a while, Delta was running neck and neck with Northwest and needed help fast. As the voting wound down, a last-minute flurry of Delta devotees cast positive votes and saved them from shame. One of those devotees, I'll admit, was me. Four small things I dig about Delta: (1) Their flat-screen gateside information monitors. (2) Really good ice cream sundaes in business class. (3) Those slick, bicycle-seat amenities bags in same. (4) Delta's airport and cabin staff uniforms.

The latter, I recently learned, have been designated for retirement (if it hasn't happened already), as many folks apparently hate them. The shirts and blouses I'm talking about are a crisp, almost electric blue, a style and color wavering between utilitarian and ugly. Fashionable? Not exactly, but the outfits say one thing and say it well: Delta. The recognition is instantaneous, a rarity amidst today's constantly changing liveries, logos and schemes. In the old days, Pan Am pilots donned white caps and the stewardesses wore powder blue suits. Not the most attractive outfits in the sky, but lastingly iconic. Delta's duds aren't in the same league, but they're at least unique.

Singapore Airlines' "sarong kebaya" comes to mind as today's most notable example of enduring corporate apparel. It's my hunch Singapore will dispense with the trademark sarongs the day it begins giving out prepackaged sandwiches in first class.

Speaking of prepackaged sandwiches, something I miss from Delta: SkyDeli. Until a few years ago, passengers on certain flights were offered a take-along gateside bag lunch. Each goodie bag, grabbed from a cooler prior to boarding, held a fresh sandwich, a piece of fruit, a bottle of water, snack mix and a cookie. Not as elaborate as those Lufthansa buffets I remember in Europe, but people liked it. On a short flight, the SkyDeli outscored the TV dinner hot meal any day.

For the morbid voyeur: Miscellaneous Comments and Horror Stories

No matter how many minutes you languished in that holding pattern; no matter how obese that armrest-stealing seatmate; no matter how unthawed that tiny omelet ... relax, it could have been worse.

"My worst pick is Spirit Airlines. Filthy aircraft often stinking of urine and openly hostile cabin crews. Mostly infrequent flyers in the passenger complement, who eschew even a modicum of common courtesy, so essential when sitting cheek-by-jowl for several hours. On one trip, counter agents allowed full-sized suitcases on board, some of which were jammed into an empty row of seats! I considered this a safety concern and refuse to fly Spirit again."

"Air India. I still remember a late-night flight from Bangkok to Tokyo, having to wait over an hour past departure time to board. Once airborne, we discovered that none of the cabin electrics worked in the rear section of steerage class. No reading lights, no audio, nothing. When I complained, they let me sit in business class, but I wasn't allowed any service and had to go back when I finished reading. I asked for a glass of water 45 minutes before arriving in Tokyo. Nine years later, I'm still waiting."

"The worst is definitely a British charter outfit, Air 2000. I've used them from London to points in Africa on a few occasions. The last time, I was struck ill by a horrible infection after takeoff. As I was shivering, sweating, vomiting and delirious, my husband asked (a) for a blanket, (b) to move me into an empty row so I could lie down, and (c) for a drink or some ice cubes to keep me hydrated. The responses were (a) 'We've run out,' (b) 'those were the seats you were assigned and those are the seats you have to stay in,' and (c) 'You'll have to wait until the beverage cart comes out next hour.' They even expected us to pay for the ice cubes!"

"Lufthansa. I would rather walk on my lips to my destination than fly them again, ever. Dirty wet trash thrown in my lap by surly flight attendants; an overseas flight that ran out of food. And the customer service reps at their office in Istanbul laughed at my complaints!"

"Air China. A Dante experience from Beijing to Hong Kong: sitting in front of the screen where they show the 'World Championship of Military Marching' (only participants China and North Korea) for three long hours is a short glimpse of hell."

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