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For a full list of today's Salon Mothers Who Think stories, go to the Mothers Who Think home page.

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Disappointed in your child? Trade him in -- and save
When it comes to unsatisfying kids, experts say, parents need to do the math.

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By Pearl Fabula

April 1, 2000 |   Disappointing children can cost you thousands of dollars -- and bring little in return, say experts.

"Most people know what to do with the other lemons in their life -- the car that won't start, the toaster that burns the bread," says family-optimization expert Dr. Seymour Mindish. "It's a simple calculation: Will it be cheaper to fix this piece of junk, or to buy a new one?"

Yet, Mindish points out, when it comes to their own children, few parents do the math.

This is a mistake, he says. In his new book, "Privatizing the Family," Mindish says, "Some parents will put up with Disappointing Children for the rest of their lives, simply because they don't have the courage to look at the numbers." In many cases, Mindish observes, "the cost of fixing your current child may be substantially higher than the cost of going back to the drawing board and making a new one from scratch."

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Consider Ted and Sylvia H. of Meriden, Conn. Their 5-year-old child, Chandos, gave several incorrect answers on the advanced pre-pre-screening for Harvard Med, THEN failed to get into the "good" playgroup at Little Snapping Turtles Preschool. And yet, his parents had invested over $27,000 a year in him -- a whopping cash outlay of $135,000! Needless to say, Ted and Sylvia had put their cart way before the horse -- and totalled it.

After a consultation with Mindish, Ted and Sylvia did some simple arithmetic and determined that the cost of a new, trouble-free child would be only $65,000. In other words, the new child would start saving them money after less than three years! Ted and Sylvia did the only sensible thing: They said goodbye to Chandos and started again with Eloise, who, at age 3, is already "a little dreamboat," according to her delighted parents.

Of course, your new child will be made from the same genetic material that gave you the anklebiters who are presently torturing you. But that's no reason not to hope that you won't do better this time around. "The human body has literally millions of genes," gushed Mindish. "Some of them go into some Little Swimmers" -- as he calls sperm -- "and some go into others." In other words, even though you and your spouse may be the same slightly fallible human beings as always, there's a significant chance that your new offspring will have none of your spouse's defects, and will inherit from you only your most charming idiosyncracies -- your crooked smile, or your inability to parallel park anything more than four feet long. Hello, über-baby! If, on the other hand, Mother Nature craps out the next time you roll the dice, there's nothing to stop you from returning to square one and giving it another try.

Before you take the plunge, however, Mindish advises that you consider the alternatives carefully. Is your adolescent really obsolescent? Or can he or she be fixed -- maybe for less money than you think? One family in Terre Haute, Ind., turned their Disappointing Child into an overachiever with only "a few good cowhide lashes" -- a solution that cost them less than $14. The parents of a 9-year-old pyromaniac in La Jolla, Calif., were ready to put their little firebug back in the stork's mouth when they discovered that they could solve all their problems by keeping the child in a vat of warm, salty water. The boy will be competing in the National Under-17 4-by-100 breast-stroke relay next year, and USC has been calling with scholarship offers. The best part is that the tub was sitting in the garage, waiting to be thrown away! "Sometimes a junk kid turns out to be a diamond in the rough," Mindish notes.

You may also be able to get someone else to pay part of your child's repair costs. While most babies are out of warranty almost immediately after birth, a number of organizations offer post-natal technical support at little or no cost. The Catholic and Episcopalian churches have been known to do wonders with boys, particularly good-looking ones with musical talent.

Far and away the best place to look for help, though, is to your own parents. After all, your children have inherited their flaws. Isn't it time you made them pay?

Once you've finally made up your mind to get that Disappointing Child out of your hair, make sure you do your homework beforehand. Abandoned children have a nasty way of turning up when you least expect it -- think about what happened to Laius and Jocasta when they decided to wash their hands of baby Oedipus. Consider dumping Junior across state lines, chartering a barge into international waters or, better yet, arranging for professional disposal. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Finally, no matter how worthless your Disappointing Child may seem to you, remember that he or she may have a trade-in value. People without children of their own will often pay cash money for a pre-reared child -- sometimes more money than you think. Think how good your family's budget will look after you turn that Disappointing Child into a cash cow. Then don't forget to do what any self-respecting CEO would do, and pay yourself a big bonus. You've earned it!

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