Sex & Entertainment
Sex & Books
Sex & Comics
Sex & Health
Sex & Media
Mothers Who Have Sex
Sex & News
Sex & People
Sex & Politics2000
Sex & Technology
- Free Sex
Sex & Travel

Sex & Columnists

- - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - -

View From the Top

Full list of profiles

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Also Today

For a full list of today's Salon Technology stories, go to the Technology home page.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A_.S A L O N_.E X C L U S I V E
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Salon cyberporn conspiracy XXXclusive
How Bill Gates and Richard Mellon Scaife used large, firm breasts to destroy Linux!

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Semme Tojo

April 1, 2000 |   SEATTLE -- Handy Web porta-demon Bill Gates and equally convenient kooky right-wing billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife engaged in a covert and illegal four-year plan to drive free Linux software out of business by distracting its sex-crazed programmers with incessant images of large, succulent breasts, a Salon task force has found after a 30-year investigation.

Microsoft mogul and guaranteed Salon page-view generator Gates and vast-right-wing conspiracy honcho Scaife came up with the scheme independently, when they realized that the free-software movement posed a threat to their plans for world domination. They were particularly worried, sources said, about losing control of the lucrative cybersex industry -- one filled, according to analysts, with hot babes and massive hooters.

April Fools' Day cover Salon's regular issue

The two men, who had never met, first came upon each other while doing covert high-level Web research in an AOL chat room called "Hot For U 2Nite." Gates, who was using the name "Big Bill," initiated an electronic conversation with Scaife, who was going by the moniker "Pittsburgh Piledriver." After a "feeling-out" discussion both magnates later characterized as "awkward," each man realized who the other one really was, and they began avidly discussing a subject of mutual concern: the free-software movement. Salon operatives have obtained transcripts of their seXXXsational eXXXchange.

"The only way we can shut these nuisances down is by shoving massive jugs in their faces," Gates posted. Scaife was initially skeptical: "Dumb! Dumb! Never work!!! I say we feed the commies to the gators." But Gates finally prevailed, insisting "I know how these geeks operate. A tit shoved in their face means total system failure."

That was the beginning of an eXXXtraordinary, seXXX-filled saga that in the end consumed both men in a vorteXXX of vengeance, lust and (look around to see if anyone is approaching your cubicle, then click furtively) HUGE, GRAVITY-DEFYING RACKS.

The first stage of the plan, according to sources close to both the investigation and my bottle of Jack Daniel's, began when operatives began bombarding all known Linux software developers with hundreds of thousands of JPEG files containing high-resolution photos of large breasts. Through a patented, top-secret proprietary software stolen by Gates and Scaife from Salon's editorial department, the operatives were able to imprint the images of the vast, creamy jugs directly on the geeks' retinas -- preventing them from doing their work and causing massive programming errors.

Within hours of the launching of the operation (code name "Double-D Day"), Red Hat stock plummeted and Microsoft stock soared.

But Scaife and Gates were only getting warmed up. Their next move was even more audacious. As Salon can now reveal and will when you click on each of the next 19 pages of this story, it was a master strategy for world domination involving "Star Wars", tits, Henry Hyde, JFK Jr., Kenneth Starr, hooters, "Star Wars", jugs, gun control, secondary female sexual characteristics, race, Japanese schoolgirls, "Star Wars," boobs, libertarianism, nude pics of Dr. Laura, melons, Princess Diana and pendulous, major, eye-popping, really, really big breasts.

Next page | Naked sex with goats