Like so many advice columnists, Dr. Tatiana is perfectly liable to respond to some heartfelt pleas for advice with information and commentary, perhaps even a warning, but with no actual advice. At least she spares us numbered lists of fire safety tips.

She does give advice to "Invisible in Sri Lanka," a peacock with a substandard tail, telling him to join a gang, since peahens like to pick through groups of males for those that appeal to them most. But she has nothing to offer "Disgusted in the Galapagos," a female marine iguana who complains of encountering groups of young males masturbating at her. Instead she rambles on about species with small testicles vs. species with big testicles: small help for Disgusted.

When it comes to scorpion flies, a species known to steal insects from spider webs, she is on surer ground, with advice for both sexes. "Tip: If you're a boy scorpionfly, you'll have a big bulbous penis. If you're in a spider's larder and the owner tries to stop you, whack her with your member and she'll back off. Girls, if you ever find yourselves in the same predicament, your best bet is to head butt the poor spider."

When all a correspondent wants is information, as when "Spooked in Gabon," a golden potto, asks, "Please, Dr. Tatiana, why is his penis covered with enormous spines?" her answers are utterly satisfying, although some reader may be troubled by her reference to the relative dullness of the human penis, "notable only for its girth." Comparing the anatomy of the male golden potto to that of the male damselfly, the male ghost spider crab, the male red-billed buffalo weaver, and so forth, she ends by suggesting that the spines may serve to stimulate the female golden potto, or to get rid of the sperm of other male golden pottos. True, she also notes that comparative studies indicate that such genital extras suggest that "female golden pottos sometimes sleep around" -- if she were writing for a newspaper, I bet the editors would take that out.

Dr. Tatiana also issues the occasional "wake up and smell the coffee" letter. In her reply to "Bewildered Down Under," a female splendid fairy wren who can't understand why her mate keeps going to the doctor to have his sperm count checked when it checks in at 8 billion sperm at a time, she warns that "His 'appointments' are a thin disguise for philandering. Splendid fairy wrens are notorious for their extramarital adventures," goes on to link this to his high sperm count, and concludes by casting aspersions on Bewildered's own marital fidelity.

While Dr. Tatiana spares us numbered lists of what to keep in the glove compartment in case of emergency, in her section on crimes of passion she does provide a guide for female self-defense: "1. Don't attract attention. Hide or be otherwise conspicuous. 2. Don't leave home alone. Hire an escort or, failing that, stick with other females. 3. Do avoid groups of idle males. If they congregate at a place you must go to, try to time your visit to coincide with the arrival of other females. 4. Do carry weapons. Males tend to be servile if females are well armed.

I am certain I have read items 1-3 in Ann Landers, although not 4. She seems to have forgotten "Do carry your keys in your hand so you don't have to fumble through your purse for them in a darkened parking lot" and "Don't list your full name in the telephone book." Tatiana's tip No. 4 is one that is generally omitted in advice to our species, however.

There is a brief discussion of child care, which is appropriate, since, after all, the production of offspring is what has made the practice of sex such a winning strategy. Dr. Tatiana is fond of the hermaphroditic African leech, which carries its young in a pouch, like a kangaroo.

But I sorrow to note that Dr. Tatiana's focus on reproduction has something regrettable in common with mainstream sex education in the United States today: She has nothing to say about birth control. Does she believe with many religious fundamentalists that birth control is "unnatural"? Surely it cannot be that what divides humanity from the rest of creation is not consciousness, nor laughter, nor tool use, nor tool manufacture, but our use of tools in family planning?

Undoubtedly blazing the trail for the inclusive future of sex advice, Judson closes with a transcript from "Under the Microscope: The Deviant Lifestyle Show!" with host Dr. Tatiana (glamorous in a scarlet suit) interviewing Miss Philodina roseola, the bdelloid rotifer, about whether it is true that bdelloid rotifers have reproduced only by cloning -- no sex -- for the last 85 million years. Irate audience members accuse the guest of lying, try to drown out the proceedings with political chanting, or give touching testimony and vivid demonstrations from their own lives as to the wonders of sexual reproduction. In a postscript Dr. Tatiana notes that the more she learns about the sexual practices and predilections of others, the more tolerant and, in some cases, the more envious she becomes. "I now think that many more things are normal," she says, and wishes everyone "lots of great sex" unless they chance to be bdelloid rotifers.