"I'm sorry we bombed your embassy" is better than "I regret the suffering you experienced upon learning of the bombing of your embassy, and the suffering, though it was surely quite brief, of any who were in your bombed embassy, and indeed the suffering of anyone in any bombed building anywhere in the world today is something I regret, even if it was accidental, in fact I regret all suffering. It is sad that there is suffering. I regret it. OK?"
"I'm sorry your pilot is dead" is better than "I'm sorry if your pilot's death has caused irrational national mourning."
It is also better than "I'm sorry our airplane knocked your pilot out of the air," which is in turn better than "I'm sorry if our airplane knocking your pilot out of the air is something you insist on taking as a national insult."
Having established that "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" is far better than "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" we might also note that specificity is also a crowd-pleaser in apologies:
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Everything."
"You mean for standing me up at the restaurant, making a pass at my best friend and telling my mother it was my fault for drunkenly cracking up your car when in fact it was you who totaled it when you swerved to run over a frog?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Say it!"
"OK, OK, I'm sorry about standing you up, I'm sorry about hitting on Chris, I'm sorry about what I said to your mom, OK? I'm sorry!"
"What about the frog? Are you sorry about the frog?"
Here the dialogue can go two ways:
"Yes, I'm sorry about the frog."
"Thank you. I appreciate the apology."
Or:
"No, I'm not sorry about the frog. The frog was asking for it. The frog kept me up all night with his incessant croaking and this whole thing would never have happened if I was better rested."
"Oh? Well, I don't think we can be together until you've learned to accept responsibility."
"Oh? Well, maybe you should tell Chris that. Chris understands how I feel about frogs. I'm going to call Chris right now."
Because specificity is so valuable, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," while good, is not quite as good as "I'm sorry I called you flaming dog poop."
We now understand that the "if" in "I'm sorry if my calling you flaming dog poop hurt your feelings" is not good, implying as it does:
"I'm sorry if my calling you flaming dog poop wasn't something that you were able to accept in the lighthearted spirit of give-and-take in which it was intended and in which most well-balanced people certainly would have taken it. My previous significant other -- God, how I miss that merry jokester! -- wouldn't have minded a bit."
There are various wording subtleties that can confuse the distinction between "sorry" and "sorry if." "Sorry for" is one such variant. "I'm sorry for what I did" is OK.
"I'm sorry for you" has come to be a deadly insult and is often used in "sorry if" phrases:
"I'm sorry for you if you can't understand that 'space cadet' is a term of endearment" or "I'm sorry for you if you can't see that my setting your clothes alight was a friendly joke, a gesture of intimacy."
Fooling with the basic "I'm sorry" formula is not as good an idea as you think. "Regret" and "rue" just make people suspicious. "Remorse" can work, though, especially if you describe just how eaten through you are with it.
"I apologize" is good, although if you have a history of issuing weasel apologies it can be worrisome: What kind of apology did you make? Was it a "sorry" or a "sorry if"? Tip: If you secretly feel that your apology left your pride unbowed, it may have been a weasel apology.
To sum up:
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings": good.
"I'm sorry I made fun of the way you walk": better.
"I'm sorry if my making fun of the way you walk hurt your feelings": bad.
These rules do not describe the entire world of apologies. Creative souls will always find their own way.
"I'm sorry if it seemed like I was making fun of the way you walk: I was bringing my sister her purse and I choked on a moth at the same time as I slipped on a dead frog and turned my ankle": good if you can carry it off.
About the writer
Susan McCarthy is a San Francisco freelance writer and the author, with Jeffrey Masson, of "When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals."
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