Dear Button,

It was Pam Brady's birthday last week (Pam's one of the "South Park" writers), so where else could we go but Vegas? We couldn't simply have cake and ice cream. For Pam, ultrashenanigans had to ensue. And that could mean only one thing: Caesar's Magical Empire.

The cheese factor was high as our mysterious, robed maitre d' guided us into a circular room and began speaking in sync with recorded music and cued flames. Suddenly, the ceiling began to rise, climbing farther and ... No, wait! The floor was actually dropping! They fooled us!

That's how the evening went. You never knew what was coming next. And after several carafes of vino, my eyes were even less attuned to the world around me. No matter, it made the magic much better.

After a sit-down dinner and magic show, we were led off to see several other performers. First was Sophie the fire-eater. Dressed in what would best be described as a Roman bikini, she did much to boost our morale. But then she accidentally spit her flame goo onto Kyle.

The next act was a snorefest -- a guy in a tux made apparently unbroken metal rings attach to and detach from each other. Plus, he didn't have a hot assistant. The last act, however, did.

Her name was Stacy, but I shall always call her Dream Stacy. Although she never responded (in words) to my shouted proposal of marriage, nor to my cries of warning as she climbed into various contraptions of magical apparatus with the prospect of being cut in half and run through with swords, I would like to believe she was comforted hearing my sweet voice calling from the darkness.

Needless to say, all this magic gave the group a powerful thirst. But before we could reach the Forum bar, we were cornered by Apollo, an employee of the Magical Empire who, although he had the night off, was hanging around at work. Once he found out who we were, he tagged along until after the show and then did some tricks for Pam on her special day.

Well, I had been watching the other magicians closely, and my eyes were quick enough to figure out the tricks. So I thought catching Apollo would be easy, since we were standing in a circle around him. I was wrong. Each new trick baffled us. Finally Pam shouted, "Apollo, stop fucking with my head!"

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