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Nothing Personal
Gobsmacked II
Rupert Everett muses on transubstantiation; Trevor-Rees Jones dabbles in exploitation; Julia Roberts half-naked before the nation. We're gobsmacked!
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[03/14/00]

Brilliant Careers
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A master musician with extraordinary staying power, for decades his evocative vocal style has taken the blues out of the barroom and into the bedroom.
By Sean Elder
[03/14/00]

People Feature
"Hey Nineteen"
Hearing Steely Dan's new single sent me back to adolescence and reminded me of the future I had forgotten.
By Steve Burgess
[03/14/00]

Nothing Personal
Re-heat after me
Hollywood's favorite girl-gripe is back! Also: Dino De Laurentiis gets cranky about Clarice; Chrissie Hynde's gonna use her knife; and Paul MCartney shakes his bootie on the bar at Hogs and Heifers.
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[03/13/00]

People Feature
"The Real Island"
It's not what you know, but who you know -- and what they think of your hair -- that determines whether you'll survive!
By Carina Chocano
[03/13/00]

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Take my wife, please
After his televised nuptial debacle, quasi-multimillionaire and erstwhile groom Rick Rockwell milks it -- for a lot less than it's worth.

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By James Hibberd

March 15, 2000 | TEMPE, Ariz. -- Doing his best leading-man saunter, multimillionaire groom Rick Rockwell steps into the Improv spotlight to the strains of Marshall Tucker Band's "Can't You See."

He takes the microphone ... looks soulfully into the crowd ...

And begins to sing.

"Can't you seeee, can't you seeeee, what Darva's done to meeeee."

The hour of irony-free stand-up horror -- full of wacky accents, unabashed self-pity, Ross Perot impressions and, yes, Darva Conger jokes -- has begun.

Rockwell's return to the comedy circuit Friday at the Tempe Improv was sold out, drawing surprisingly enthusiastic fans from conservative Phoenix. The gig was Rockwell's first stop on his national "Annulment Tour," which includes dates in Miami, Chicago, San Diego and Washington.

Outside the Improv, an assortment of network television news crews got shots of female fans holding placards ("I'd Marry You Rick!" and "Will Cook for a Millionaire") and reporters tackled ticket holders: Do you think Rockwell will be funny?

"I don't know," one respondent, Shawna, told an ABC affiliate. "I've heard he was a pretty bad comic."

The reporter jumped: "Then why are you here?"

"I guess I think it will be ..." She paused, struggling to think of the right word. "Entertaining."

Other attendees had similar difficulties articulating a reason for investing in a tabloid celebrity's performance, despite expectations of mediocrity.

Allow me to take a swing at it.

Rockwell (the man who said he was a multimillionaire, but wasn't) and Conger (the woman who said "I do," but didn't) are still the best and most accessible soap opera couple on television. Every detail of their train-wreck tête-à-tête has been nationally broadcast, from Q&A courtship and uneasy nuptial exchanges on Fox TV's "When Good Harem Auctions Go Bad" show, "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" to their fractured "how can they be lovers if they can't be friends?" breakup.

That we, the viewers, may no longer have right or reason to know anything else about this couple has not yet occurred to us. Nor has it occurred to Rockwell and Conger. Both reinforce our sense of gossip entitlement by chatting endlessly on network newsmagazines, turning once again to television producers to improve their lives, and seeming more and more like a perfect match.

So at the Tempe Improv, fans paid $19 per ticket because they wanted to watch this soap opera's latest episode in person. What will Rick say about Darva? After all, last week Darva filed for annulment, and has portrayed Rick as a cheap doofus.

As it turned out, Rockwell had to plenty to say.

Next page | These are the jokes, folks ...