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People Feature
Will Uncle Junior sing?
Actor Dominic Chianese of "The Sopranos" talks about the hit show, James Gandolfini, Francis Coppola, Al Pacino and Gilbert & Sullivan.
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[01/21/00]

People Feature
It's not easy being a Dick
Life's hard, but one name makes it harder.
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[01/22/00]

People Feature
Nom de fume
Imagine you're in hell and your name is Angus. But that's redundant.
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[01/22/00]

Nothing Personal
Talk dirty to me, Mr. Cruise
Author Jeffrey Toobin tells of a "rockin' ride," and Paula Jones on political science; Tom Cruise talks naughty sauce. Plus: George Stephanopoulos: Not a journalist but he plays one on TV.
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[01/22/00]

Nothing Personal
Celebs in the dating doldrums
Yikes! John Waters is coming back and he's bringing a gerbil with him; Peta Wilson chats about lesbian S&M; place your bets: Courtney Love vs. David Geffen. Plus: George Clooney to play Dr. Feelgood?
By Amy Reiter
[01/24/00]

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The rest of the Reform Party was thrown into turmoil by the announcement. Presidential hopeful Pat Buchanan issued a statement from his bunker: "Some say Hitler was an asshole. But why should we be confined by these paltry human definitions?" Ross Perot himself elbowed his way through his spokesmen to declare, "An egg ain't an omelet, see. A sandwich ain't a sandwich without two pieces of bread. But you need something else too. And what is that? Cheese maybe. Little romaine. Put 'em together, what have you got? Bibbety-bobbety is what. I gotta go."

Other reactions
Among the two mainstream parties, reactions were a little more predictable. When asked, Republican front-runner George W. Bush refused to speculate on Donald Trump's assholism, except to deny his own, or affirm it. Asked to expand, Bush only grimaced toothlessly as advisors whispered mysterious somethings in his ear. Steve Forbes proclaimed, "Being an asshole in pursuit of a flat tax is no vice." Alan Keyes said something as well, but nobody wrote it down. The cameras were not on him at the time. John McCain would not comment on assholism one way or another, but did blurt out tenuously, "I have a temper." When asked to show evidence of his rage, however, McCain declined. Instead he passed out fliers about campaign finance reform, which fluttered to the press room floor like large identical snowflakes.

On the Democratic side, Bill Bradley denied that he was an asshole, insisting that he was merely supercilious. "That's c-i-l-i-o-u-s," he cautiously spelled out for the benefit of those reporters who don't bother to spell-check their documents. "I used to play basketball," he added.

Al Gore was more thoughtful in his response. "I, too, am an asshole," he admitted in what he thought was a whisper. "We're all assholes." He then proceeded to attempt to give ungainly hugs to unwilling senior citizens.

Mrs. Samuel Gold of Santa Monica, Calif., a longtime Democrat, asked by Gore whether she thought she was an asshole, responded, "A what? Can you say that on teevee?" Before she could respond fully, Gore embraced her, cutting off her breath. President Clinton, asked for a response, merely chuckled, then launched into a 30-minute discourse on health care that put the media to sleep.

The media reacts
Among the television pundits, reaction was wildly varied. Every show on MSNBC was devoted to the issue. John Gibson devoted his entire program to a discussion of his hair, compared to Donald Trump's. An impromptu poll revealed that Gibson's hair was preferred by those who chose to prefer one's hair over another, 54 percent to 37 percent, and 3 percent undecided.

On Sunday, Cokie Roberts and George Will smirked at each other. Bill Kristol was not available for comment. George Stephanopoulos had something to say, but again, nobody bothered to write it down, and the cameras were not on him at the time. Andy Rooney on "60 Minutes" encouraged us all to expand our vocabularies, and read labels closely. Time and Newsweek were bemused by the flap, and put Donald Trump on their covers, with the identical caption: "Asshole of the Year?"

And society?
The stock market, predictably, faltered when the story broke, then rallied. A hastily assembled Harris poll shows that Trump's approval ratings plummeted among those who think of themselves as "nice, decent folk," and also slid with those who describe themselves as "Joe and Jane Normal." Among the so-called "self-absorbed" demographic, however, Trump's approval ratings soared. His heartfelt confession is apparently also the cause of a rise in voter registration, most notably among dickheads, pompous asses, self-important jerks and "scum-sucking shit-heel billionaires."

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