Have yourself a merry Jimmy Buffettmas | page 1, 2
Larry Csonkamas
Sports enthusiasts already know that December 25 is Larry Csonkamas. Miami, Fla., is the place to celebrate his birthday by playing football the whole day. And it's Csonkamas, so everyone gets to be No. 39. At the end of the day, throw a big banquet where everyone takes turns giving short Hall of Fame acceptance speeches and recounting fond memories from Super Bowls VI, VII and VIII.
Jimmy Buffettmas
The birth of Jimmy Buffett can be properly celebrated in any suburb that has a Margaritaville restaurant. Declare yourself a "parrothead" (akin to the Grateful Dead's "deadheads"), don a Hawaiian shirt, imbibe hundreds of margaritas and run around screaming for your "lost shaker of salt." Warning: After too many margaritas it becomes easy to confuse Jimmy Buffett and Eddie Money. So whatever you do, under no circumstances sing "Two Tickets to Paradise" (that's Eddie Money).
Cab Callowaymas
On December 25, 1907, Mr. Minnie the Moocher, the original crossover artist (one of the first black band leaders to become popular with white audiences) was born. Celebrate by donning a white tuxedo with tails and taking the A train into Harlem. Tap-dance a lot and wish everyone a hearty "Hi di, hi di, hi di, ho, ho, ho." Plop the kiddies in front of the TV and pop that old Betty Boop cartoon into the VCR. (Cab provided the music, vocals and inspiration for the dancing skeletons in the haunted "St. James Infirmary" sequence.) Shake your head and remember the good ol' days.
Twilight Zonemas
On this day in 1924, "Twilight Zone's" deadpan host and creator, Rod Serling, was born. This holiday allows for some free-form adaptation. Choose your favorite "Twilight Zone" episode and spend the day reenacting pivotal moments from it in the public setting of your choice. Some personal favorites include:
Talking Tinamas: Carry around a baby doll that says "Mommy. Daddy. I'm going to kill you."
Eye of the Beholdermas: You and your friends wear pig-face masks and walk around shrieking in horror when you encounter "conventionally attractive" people.
Queen of the Nilemas: Adopting the doomed glamour of a fading movie star, try to place a magic scarab on a youthful victim's chests (so you can suck out the life that's left in them in order to retain your ageless beauty).
Clara Bartonmas
'Tis the season to act out all your nurse fantasies.
Barbara Mandrellmas
This Nashville darling deserves some celebrating. A marathon of her 1980s family variety show would be a lovely way to spend some quality time with someone dear, don't you think?
Dean Martin Death Day
This is the High Holy Day for the swing set. It also falls conveniently close to Frank Sinatramas (December 12). To celebrate properly, don a sharkskin suit or a beaded satin cocktail dress for your "gay apparel" and head to the holy land for high rollers: Las Vegas. (It's a travesty that the Sands no longer exists, making it impossible to visit the sacred spot in front of the marquee where the Rat Pack was photographed and immortalized into a top-selling postcard.) Dean Martin Death Day celebrants should, upon waking, immediately commence the obligatory 21-martini salute. Around martini No. 10, begin spontaneously bursting into strains of "That's Amore." By martini No. 21 everyone will be singing "Volare." End the night with some drunken off-color slurs, alleged spousal abuse and a retreat into obscurity.
As you can see, the possibilities for a truly enjoyable December 25 are virtually limitless. It's just not fair that Jesus gets all the glory. Martha Stewart may tell you to deep-fry your turkey this year for something different. I say trash the whole Christmas concept and start from scratch. Celebrate some of the others who have been lost in the shadow of His glory.
After all, it's Christmas!
salon.com | Dec. 15, 1999
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About the writer
Gentry Lane lives in Paris and will be celebrating Dean Martin Death Day for her fourth year running.
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