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Dr. Suess tells me to remove my Elephant Man hood. I hesitate.

"You might want to shield your eyes," I mumble. He doesn't. I unveil my run-of-the-mill forehead as though it were hideously disfigured. Dr. Seuss studies my pouting mug.

"I've been thinking about a bigger forehead. See how it goes like this?" My finger traces the contours of my forehead. I extend my hand outward. "I'd like a bigger forehead. Can you do that for me?"

Without skipping a beat, he says, "What we can do is inject fat into your forehead from another part of your body." Terrific! My forehead will be filled with fat. This will be ideal for comfortable head-butting. Dr. Suess explains the procedure in a very matter-of-fact tone.

I keep waiting for the moment when he'll grab me by the shoulders, shake me and scream, "Are you out of your mind?!" The moment does not come.

Instead, he explains the procedure. They'll insert a needle into a thick layer of fat on my thigh or buttocks, then inject it into my forehead. The process will be repeated until the desired amount of fat has been transferred. I practically hug Dr. Suess.

On a whim, I inquire about a brand new chin -- I'm an impulse shopper! Again, he dryly explains the chin procedure and shows me chin implants of various sizes. The bill for both procedures would total $3,200. Hell, put it on my account!

I'm directed to the receptionist. She tells me I can make an appointment for surgery immediately. I avoid setting a date, make my excuses and leave.

First thing the next morning, I get a call from That Look. A woman asks how my appointment went. I tell her I'm worried about my finances. "You're concerned about the payments? Well, let's go over them."

"OK," I say.

She immediately launches into the hard sell. She stresses the cost effectiveness of doing both the chin and forehead procedures at once, rather than putting one of them off. "Yeah, I don't know if I can afford it," I say. "Maybe I can sell some of my stuff."

"Well, certainly I'm not in the position to tell you what you can and cannot afford. According to what your credit report shows, you can afford it!"

I tell her I'm trying to decide between a new forehead and a new shotgun. She wisely implies that I must decide: Do I want a new face or a new shotgun? The discrepancy between the choices does not seem to faze her. Neither does my interest in firearms.

I mull it over. "My answer," I say, "is a brand new face!"

Now I can watch "Judge Judy" with newfound confidence. I can smile at the checkout clerk as I buy Top Ramen. And when I find I can't make the payments on my surgery, I'll wait for the repo man to repossess my head.
salon.com | Nov. 20, 1999

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