The winner is ...

"The Olsen twins will pose nude in the Playboy 'twins' issue in 2003. Their spread will be called 'Full Hoes.'"

Honorable mentions:

Britney Spears: "She'll go gospel, promoting that 'I'm not a girl, not yet woman, yet still a sinner' image"; "She'll transform herself into a man! And will immediately appear on Broadway, as Curley in the transsexual version of 'OOOOOOOO -- KLAHOMA!'"

"The Bush Twins will become nuns."

"Justin Timberlake will get his nose slimmed down to near-nothing, hair dyed black and straightened, skin darkened, wear lipstick, buy himself a tamarin monkey and name it Tiny Bubbles."

"With the cancellation of 'Friends' slated for May of 2003, Matt LeBlanc will transform himself from a TV superstar to a short order cook at Roy Rogers."

"Rosie O'Donnell will determine she's straight after all, grow her hair long, and marry Tom Cruise."

6) The celebrities you think will hook up to make unlikely yet strangely compelling duos in the upcoming year:

The winner is ...

"Jack Osbourne and Jenna Bush will announce their engagement, although controversy will arise when Jack tells his future father-in-law to piss off."

Honorable mentions:

"In early 2003, Britney Spears and Moby will be seen around town as the latest couple. Later in the year, Britney will violently attack Moby in what will be referred to as the worst beating since Rodney King. She will claim that he brought it on himself."

"Tom Cruise and Kevin Spacey -- I smell an Oscar (and a Felix)."

"Adam Sandler and Lucy Liu will team up for 'My Big Fat Jewish-Chinese Wedding.'"

Eminem and Kelly Osbourne: "Who cares if it lasts? The "bringing him home to daddy" episode will set ratings records!"

"Nicole Kidman and P-Diddy"

"Angelina Jolie will hook up with Tom Cruise, change her name to Angelina Jolie Cruise, and carry shavings of his stubble in a locket around her neck."

7) The celebrity you think will shock the world with Michael Jackson-esque wacky parental behavior in the year ahead:

The winner is ...

"Angelina Jolie will not only give her son a 'Mommy forever' tattoo but will also swap vials of blood with him."

Honorable mentions:

"Michael Jackson, realizing that the baby-dangling incident garnered him the most media exposure he's had in years, will take his baby on a World Wide Dangling Tour. The tour will be tragically cut short due to lack of interest."

"Liza Minnelli will forget where she put her adopted daughter. The kid will eventually be found trapped under a pile of wigs in the back of a closet. But, just like daddy, she'll refuse to come out."

"Elizabeth Taylor will dangle Michael Jackson off a balcony, in order to promote her new perfume, White Cuckoo."

"Anne Heche is going to turn back into Celestia and leave her baby out in the backyard in a tin-foil cradle for easier worship by the space aliens, since, after all, it turns out an alien god impregnated her."

"Rosie O'Donnell will subject her new baby to a haircut 'like mom's.'"

8) The celebrity you'd most like to watch going about their daily lives on TV -- and what you'd hope to catch him/her doing?

The winner is ...

"Martha Stewart will let millions of Americans watch as she knits cozies for the license plates she makes. It's a good thing."

Honorable mentions:

Calista Flockhart: "I really want to watch her eat."

Michael Jackson: "I'd love to see him applying his nose in the morning."

"Robin Williams, talking to the kitchen appliances."

9) The celebrity you'd most like to see honored by his/her home state -- à la the Susan Sarandon rest stop -- and what you would have named after him/her:

The winner is ...

The George Michael Memorial Men's Room

Honorable mentions:

"Madonna: Michigan's largest waste recycling plant."

"Vin Diesel: Would have a gas station named after him that only sells cheap french wine and diesel gas."

"Rob Schneider: The state will name a Blockbuster Video store after him, for his huge contributions to the video market."

"Eminem: 8 Mile road, the Real Slim Shady Scenic Highway."

10) The celebrity you suspect is cruising for a Moby-like bruising in the coming year:

The winner is ...

"Please let it be Eminem ... please, please, please ..."

Honorable mentions:

"David Blaine: He'll be beaten about the face and neck with a real big white rabbit."

"Michael Moore: The final straw comes when he kicks back in his Barcalounger-designed seat at this year's Academy Awards show and knocks a GeriJuice MuscleBlast protein shake all over Arnold Schwarzenegger's lap. Pandemonium ensues."

"I would say Michael Jackson, but most men won't hit a woman."

"J.Lo, because if I have to hear her say 'I'm just a simple girl from the Bronx' one more time, I'll have to kick her ass myself."

Bonus question: The celebrity you think should get this year's special award for paying most cloying, continuous public tribute to his/her spouse:

The winner is ...

"David Gest for taking it the next level by describing his love for Liza's left breast."

Honorable mentions:

"Julia Roberts re Danny Moder: Enough already!"

"J.Lo.: Between the 'Jenny From the Block' video and having a song called 'Dear Ben,' she is, hands-down, the winner."

"Al and Tipper Gore. Hell, they even wrote a book about each other and their special relationship!"

"Liza Minnelli: Methinks the lady doth profess too much!"

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