I have to say, you people were meaner, nastier and funnier this year than you've ever been before. And so, without further ado, let's get down to the business of dirt-dishing and award-doling.

You nominated. I picked. And here they are, the "winners" of the 2002 Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.

1) The continuously cooing celebrity couple you suspect will unceremoniously part ways in the year ahead, and what will precipitate the split:

The winner is ...

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck: "Ben gives the wrong answer when J.Lo asks, 'Do these leather pants make my butt look small?'"; "She'll dump him toward the end of 2003 to stay on pace to eclipse Liz Taylor's record of eight marriages before her 50th birthday"; "When they've milked all the publicity they can from their union"; "J.Lo will discover a shoebox of love letters from Matt D. and all hell will break loose"; "They'll last from Valentine's Day through June. She'll be cast in a movie with Leo DiCaprio. She will then file for divorce due to 'unreconcilable differences.' (Funny, sounds like what happened last year)."

Honorable mentions:

"The Olsen twins break up personally and professionally, when Mary-Kate reveals Ashley was actually a sophisticated hand puppet from the Jim Henson factory."

Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise: "As the months pass, he begins to suspect that she is not 'steeeel learning Eeenglieesh,' she's just dumb"; "Sure, P claims she'll convert to Scientology now, but we'll see next year ..."

Liza Minnelli and David Gest: "Their supposed upcoming adoption will cause the two to split as Gest realizes that Wacko Jacko has a penchant for dangling OTHER people's babies over balconies too"; "He'll piss her off by tongue kissing her so violently, her cheek implants shift."

"Michael Jackson and what remains of his petite, scabrous beak: Precipitated by a sudden drop in atmospheric pressure, allowing the maligned thing to finally break free and get some damn abuse counseling."

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: "She will discover that he's been unfaithful to her with the entire state of Nevada (including Bowser the casino terrier). She will take advantage of the multimillion-dollar 'Infidelity Clause' in her pre-nup with Douglas. When asked for comment, she will reply modestly, 'Ka-ching, ka-ching.'"

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart: "He disavows her after she gains 180 lbs. taping the new Burger King-sponsored sitcom, 'Ally BkMeal.' Ford releases only one public statement, 'I liked her transparent.'"

Julia Roberts and Danny Moder: "She'll be found in the arms of Lyle Lovett a week later because she realizes looks aren't everything and he can protect her from raging bulls, which will come in handy on her ranch in New Mexico."

Barbra Streisand and James Brolin: "After he becomes an outspoken right-wing conservative and she misspells his name in a Truth Alert."

2) The celebrity bad boy/girl you think is most due for a Russell Crowe-like trip to the timeout chair -- and what you think will prompt the retreat:

The winner is ...

"Eminem will need to take some time off to recuperate (physically and emotionally) after his sound thrashing at the paws of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog."

Honorable mentions:

"Paul Reubens is forced to take a break after a love affair goes tragically awry, resulting in third-degree tennis elbow."

"Christina Aguilera will require a timeout to recover from burns sustained when she puts her finger in an electrical socket in a failed hairstyling attempt."

"Bad-boy hubby David Gest will get a timeout for gnawing off the feet of VH1 staffers and then bitching about blood on the carpets."

"Harrison Ford is going to need a timeout after decking a reporter who refers to him as Mr. McBeal."

"Justin Timberlake will be forced to take a timeout after he pummels a 12-year-old girl in a Catholic school jumper, shouting, 'I am so a bad boy, I did too have sex with Britney, and I take drugs all the time! So there!'"

3) The celebrity you think is ripe to make a Whitney Houston-esque public confession of addiction and what will he/she confess an addiction to?

The winner is ...

"Britney Spears reveals an addiction to Sweet Tarts. 'There's just something about them that feeds my true self,' she admits tearfully."

Honorable mentions:

"Justin Timberlake will finally admit what we've all known all along: He's addicted to the sound of his own voice."

"The Cookie Monster will finally come clean about his obvious cookie addiction."

"Christina Aguilera will confess her sex addiction and start wearing traditional Amish garb to overcompensate."

"Billy Bob confesses an addiction to trepanning -- and suddenly everything makes sense."

"Robert Palmer, in a pathetic attempt to remind someone out there who he is, will admit that he is 'Addicted to Love.'"

4) The celebrity you most suspect of pulling a Winona Ryder and landing on the wrong side of the law in the coming year -- and what he/she will stand accused of:

The winner is ...

"Madonna will get in a little hot water after the U.N. classifies her ego as a weapon of mass destruction. But at least Sean Penn will be interested in her again."

Honorable mentions:

"Rosie O'Donnell will get in a shouting match that dissolves into a shoving match with a woman from Kansas who sees her in a N.Y. restaurant and expresses her 'disappointment' that Rosie is not who she appeared to be. Rosie will be arrested for assault and will be sued for intentional infliction of emotional distress by the distraught woman."

"Matt Damon will be charged with domestic violence after he attacks Jennifer Lopez in a Safeway, pulling her hair and accusing her of stealing away Ben Affleck. Affleck responds by releasing a statement, 'Hey, what can I say? She got the booty AND the looty. Ha Ha ... Know what I'm sayin'?'"

"Christina Aguilera will be arrested in 2003 before an awards show when a police officer confuses her for a prostitute."

"An exhaustive examination of the books for George Clooney's 9/11 fundraiser will reveal the majority of the profits were skimmed off to pay blackmail to his pet pot-bellied pig so there wouldn't be a tell-all book describing just how much George likes the 'other white meat.'"

"Antonio Banderas is arrested after being caught going through Steve Bing's garbage, looking for DNA to prove that the child isn't his -- it's the only way he's getting outta that marriage alive."

"Nick Nolte will be found passed out in Woody Harrelson's hemp field and be arrested for doing a bad impersonation of Robert Downey Jr."

"Eminem will have his Winona moment, probably for taking his penis out and surreptitiously touching Moby with it at an awards show. The whole thing will be caught on tape during a Joan van Ark backstage tour of the show. He will explain that he was only researching a part for a biopic called 8 centimeter."

"Dolly Parton. Shoplifting. Realizing her assets are no longer raking in the moolah, she will decide to put them to better use. She'll be caught on camera trying to stuff a couple of Donna Karan outfits into her cleavage. The video will be heavily downloaded off the Internet by citizens over 65."

"Vanilla Ice will be accused of trying to steal an additional 15 minutes of fame."

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