Alas, this advice comes too late for Natasha Lyonne. Upon being hauled into Miami-Dade County jail on charges of drunk and careless driving and leaving the scene of an accident on Tuesday, the "American Pie" star imperiously informed the arresting officer, "I'm a movie star." Then she sweetly inquired, "Can I talk to my entertainment lawyer?"

Lyonne could have taken a page from her passenger, "Saving Private Ryan" star Adam Goldberg, who had the presence of mind to tell the cops that he tried to stop Lyonne from taking off after she ran down a sign and some shrubbery trying to negotiate a turn in her rented Dodge. "I just didn't know how," he said. "I didn't know whether to grab the emergency brake or what."

Very humble and self-effacing, Adam. You might want to offer police-charming lessons to young "Sopranos" actor Robert Iler. It emerged yesterday that, after the 16-year-old TV star was nabbed for allegedly holding up a couple of teenagers for $40 with a couple of friends, Iler reportedly cursed at police and said, "Don't you worry about me. I'm a millionaire."

And now, possibly, a millionaire with a record.

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For the record

"I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it's not a lie."

-- Former juvie Mark Wahlberg on the subjective nature of truth, in the New York Daily News.

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A show with legs

Once upon a time, when "Dallas" ruled the airwaves, we were all obsessed with the question "Who shot J.R.?" But did we ever stop to wonder how long it would be before we saw Sue Ellen naked?

Regardless, we now have an answer, as actress Linda Gray, who played J.R. Ewing's boozin' wife on the long-running nighttime soap, has announced that she'll step into the role of Mrs. Robinson in the West End stage adaptation of "The Graduate."

Gray is following in the towel-dropping footsteps of actresses Anne Archer, Jerry Hall and Kathleen Turner, all of whom have taken their turns in the role of Benjamin's aging seductress.

You could say that Gray has a leg up on her predecessors, since she was the then-unknown model whose stocking-clad leg was photographed for the poster for the original film, starring Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman. But then again, at 60, she's also the oldest actress to tread the boards in the role.

How will she do it?

One word: plastics.

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Sex symbolism

"If you can't have fun as an aging sex symbol when you hit 60, I don't know what will become of you."

-- Raquel Welch, 61, on putting the sex back in sexagenarian.

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Juicy bits

Looks like Tom Cruise has completely wrestled former porn actor and "erotic wrestler" Chad Slater (aka Kyle Bradford) into submission. Slater, whose ex-wife is also now being sued by Cruise, tells the BBC that he won't contest the defamation suit Cruise has lodged against him over statements attributed to him that appeared in the French gossip magazine Acustar. He's doing it for the sake of his parents. "If [Cruise's lawyers] persist, they will get a judgment against me for $100 million. Then I file bankruptcy and it's dismissed," Slater said. "They exposed me and my whole personal life by doing this to me. It's like I'm being harassed by the celebrity ... I don't think I ever want to see another Tom Cruise movie in my life." I'm guessing Cruise might say the same of his movies.

Nasty girl with a nasty cold? Janet Jackson has again postponed her "All for You" tour, citing a persistent flu. "Janet is having some recurring respiratory problems. She needs to rest," the singer's spokesman, Paul Freundlich, told the Associated Press. After all, you don't want her to pull a Mariah, do you?

Remember how Jennifer Aniston said that, although she and hubby Brad Pitt had agreed that she could sleep with Steven Tyler if the opportunity presented itself, Pitt was not allowed any extramarital dalliances? Well, the "Friends" star has apparently thought better of the imbalance. Pitt, she tells "Access Hollywood," may have a bit of a go with Michelle Pfeiffer, should the possibility ever come up. "I'd let him have that in a minute," the newlywed actress allows. "How do you say no to Michelle Pfeiffer?" Very regretfully, I'd imagine.

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