(Insert Billy Crystal video montage here.)

This year's responses prove that it has been not only a great year for gossip but a banner year for gossips as well. You people responded to my meager queries in record number -- and though I wouldn't have thought it possible, this year's responses were even more deliciously nasty than last year's.

But at some point, for the good of our country, decisions must be made, and so -- like Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris and that Court we call Supreme -- I surveyed the nominees, picked the ones I liked best and declared them the "winners" of the 2000 Nothing Personal Readers' Choice Awards.

And they are ...

1) The celebrity you deem most likely to suffer an Anne Heche-like meltdown:

The winner is ... Kathie Lee Gifford. "The realization that Regis is doing better without her will send her over the edge. She'll be found one day in the middle of a mall in New Jersey in a karaoke bar, singing the theme to those Carnival commercials she did, over and over again" ... "once she realizes she really peaked as a morning-show Chihuahua and can't make it as a sweatshop chanteuse."

Honorable mentions:

Billy Bob Thornton: "Angelina Jolie will realize her mistake and go back to makin' whoopie with her brother, casting poor ol' Billy Bob into a personal tailspin. He'll end up somewhere in Orange County, Calif., wandering the streets and muttering to himself, 'Where's all the orange? Billy Bob needs orange for his tummy.'" "I think he'll turn up at a Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet rubbing sweet potatoes over himself and stuffing carrots in his well-worn loose-fit jeans (size 2)."

David Spade: "He'll be found wandering in the Northwest, claiming to be the weasel king. Pauly Shore will demand a recount."

Melanie Griffith: "She'll melt down in a very public, very choreographed manner, most likely on her own Web site's Webcam. Videos will later be sold." "She's got 'emotionally distressed' written all over her -- it looks just like a tattoo."

Whitney Houston: "Bobby's antics will finally send her round the bend, or at least to the Betty Ford Clinic."

Meg Ryan: "She'll be found wandering in Seattle looking for Tom Hanks. Russell Crowe's personal hygiene habits finally get to her."

Britney Spears: "In a Krispy Kreme in Biloxi, Miss., when she catches Justin Timberlake in a compromising position with the Olsen twins."

Benjamin Bratt: "When Julia Roberts dumps him, he'll show up at the home of Lyle Lovett looking for commiseration. Lovett will either shoot him on the spot or sing him a ballad."

Hugh Hefner: "When he develops a serious allergic reaction to Viagra, he'll be arrested at a Wal-Mart attempting to shoplift a box of tongue depressors and a jar of rubber cement."

David Lee Roth: "Despondent over the loss of his career, money and hair, he'll be ejected from the Hard Rock Café L.A. while trying to nail a copy of his own picture onto the wall. His famous quote from this sad affair will be, 'Man, I just wanted a goddamned sandwich named after me! Don't I deserve at least that for "Hot for Teacher," man?'"

Edward Furlong: "Naked on the median strip of Route 101 in L.A., screaming about how the devil communicates with him through Little Debbie snack cakes."

2) The celebrity you'd least like to see stripped down, oiled up and smiling pretty in a skin mag:

The winner is ... Katherine Harris: "Eek!" "There might actually be a good Annie Leibowitz-type photo, though -- Ms. Harris, nude, in a bathtub full of chads?"

Honorable mentions:

Sen. Strom Thurmond: "Unless he was oiled up with fellow bad boy Sen. Jesse Helms."

Jason Alexander: "I would suspect that he has substantial back hair."

Sue from "Survivor": "That's one tough old hunk of meat."

3) The celebrity you most suspect of being an armpit burrower:

The winner is ..."What Angelina Jolie and her brother get up to is their own business, at least until they decide to hold a press conference."

Honorable mentions:

Jennifer Aniston: "The supreme Pitt burrower in 2001. She's no doubt looking for meaningful conversation and a lost bobby pin."

Matthew McConaughey: "After the bongo incident, he seems a bit off."

Anne Heche: "She seems to look everywhere else for love."

Brad Pitt: "He's looking for a good script."

Billy Bob Thornton: "I don't know what he'd be trying to find there -- God, maybe?" "Of course he'd be looking for carrots in that burrow."

O.J. Simpson: "He's looking for the real killers."

Bono: "But he still doesn't know what he's looking for."

Courtney Love: "Hoping to find the smell of Teen Spirit."

Charlie Sheen: "Looking to find Heidi Fleiss' new phone number."

Britney Spears: "Looking for courage, a heart and a brain."

4) The celebrity whose wax likeness you'd most like to have a moment of privacy with:

The winner is ... Gwyneth Paltrow: "And lots and lots of matches."

Honorable mentions:

Al Gore: "If he's anything like his photo on the cover of Rolling Stone."

George W. Bush: "And a blowtorch!"

Russell Crowe: "I think I'm entitled to see what a gladiator wears under his tunic."

The late Hervé Villechaise: "Call me a pervert ..."

5) The celebrity you'd most like to secretly watch at home 24/7 via webcam:

The winner is ... Martha Stewart: "She eats cold Chef Boyardee out of the can. I just know it."

Honorable mentions:

John Malkovich: "We'll watch him through a hidden forehead cam. Life imitating art imitating life."

George W. Bush: "Can he walk and chew gum at the same time when he's alone?"

Charlie Sheen: "You've got to go where the action is."

Michael Jackson: "I enjoy theater of the absurd."

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