The ex Mrs. DeGeneres is reportedly in such a boiling rage about this week's report in the National Enquirer accusing her of knocking Robert Downey Jr. off the wagon that steam is practically puffing out of her little pink ears.

The ever-reliable Enquirer claims Heche directed cocaine Downey's way (the two met up a few times on the set of "Ally McBeal" and at a Hollywood store opening) and quotes someone who "spent 72 straight hours with Downey" as saying that "just hours before his arrest, Robert blamed Anne for his downfall."

But Heche's agent, Steve Dontanville, told the New York Daily News, "The accusations in this hideous story are completely malicious and false." What's more, he says, Anne may sue the tabloid, which is standing by its story.

"She is really upset," Dontanville told the Daily News. "This is going to get ugly."

Because, Lord knows, it's been so pretty up until now.

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Sick joke?

"This time I'm going to be the bride. She got me these pink panties with a big bow on them."

-- Billy Bob Thornton on his desire to renew his vows with Angelina Jolie on the lawn of their new home in Beverly Hills, in the Scottish Daily Record.

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Hands off Mel's bikini line

Not only does Mel Gibson not know what women want -- he also doesn't know what they're waxing on about when it comes to hair removal. Getting his legs waxed for his role in "What Women Want," he says, was no big deal.

"It doesn't hurt that bad," Gibson opined to TV Guide Online. "But when I say that, women all come up and say, 'Yeah, well try waxing the bikini line.' I'm not going there."

What a rip.

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What women want to hear ...

"I'd much rather have my dick caught in a zipper than have to be abusive to a woman."

-- Ben Stiller on why it's easier to act in a film like "There's Something About Mary" than in a film like Neil LaBute's "Your Friends and Neighbors."

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Rick Rockwell's poetic soul

Rick Rockwell's still milking it.

The man who helped make Darva Conger famous is apparently exploring his literary side, and if the haiku he's contributed to literary webzine La Petite Zine is any indication, it's not likely to do anything to solidify his multimillionaire status.

His masterpiece? "love on television/not as strange as concept seems/but Darva present." (Yes, there's an extra syllable there, but, hey, I'm not gonna mention it and let the air out of the guy's metaphorical tires.)

The webzine's editor in chief, Daniel Nester, says he suspects that Darva represents a season, a traditional motif in the Japanese poetic form, "probably a bitter winter." Nester also admits he was thrilled to receive a submission "from a real famous person."

I can't wait for the zine's issue, in which Susan from "Survivor" eviscerates Kelly the rat in limerick form!

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Juicy bits

News from Breakupland: It seems Renée Zellweger no longer completes Jim Carrey. The sorta odd couple, together for the last year and a half, split up a few weeks ago. Zellweger's publicist has confirmed, "Jim and Renée are no longer in a relationship," and Carrey's flack seconded the motion, commenting, "I just want to say that it is true and that it is a private matter between the two of them." Well, the two of them and Carrey's talking booty.

Speculation (weird and not so weird) about Madonna's wedding: 1) Luciano Pavarotti may be scheduled to duet with Madonna during the festivities, thus fulfilling a long-held dream of his. 2) The bride and bridegroom will write their own vows. 3) Madonna's march down the aisle will be accompanied by bagpipes. 4) Gwyneth Paltrow is reportedly in top consideration to serve as maid of honor. Always a bridesmaid ...

Linda Tripp, friend from hell? No, no, no! You have it all wrong. The sly taper insists she never considered Monica Lewinsky a friend at all. "We never spent time together outside the office, nor discussed my life," Tripp tells George magazine. "The idea that I would cultivate this foolish, young girl is offensive. I thought she was a pest ... I felt sorry for her. She was so very needy." See? Now doesn't that make you love Linda just that much more?

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