No. 1 on my list of mothers I'm glad aren't mine? Jaid Barrymore.

In just a few short months, Drew's mom's behavior has gone from bad (that attempt to auction off her daughter's baby clothes online) to worse (getting arrested for gun possession on Mother's Day) to utterly mortifying.

Now, according to the New York Daily News, she's shopping around a tell-all autobiography that'll make Cybill Shepherd's "I slept with everyone and their stunt double" confessions sound downright prudish.

Barrymore claims to have bonked Jim Morrison, Jackson Browne, James Taylor and Kiefer Sutherland. And if she didn't ... ahem ... dance with that wolf Kevin Costner, it wasn't for lack of trying on his part.

Then again, Costner may not have shown quite the imagination of Warren Beatty, who allegedly requested a threesome with both Jaid and Drew. (A request I can only hope was denied.)

"It's Jaid's attempt to set the record straight," her agent, Sheree Bykofsky, told the tabloid. "Jaid's and Drew's lives have been an open book for years, but Jaid has sat around all these years while lies have been told about her."

Much of the book will come as a surprise to Drew, Bykofsky maintains, but "it should go a long way toward healing their relationship."

Funny, that's just what Warren said.

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Shoulda called it "Live Fucking Aid"

"It's elastic, seductive, blunt, persuasive, sexy and flexible. It can be a verb, a noun, an adjective, anything."

-- Bob Geldof on his favorite word, "fuck."

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A sad day on Notting Hill ...

Time has apparently done what Divine Brown couldn't: driven a splintery wedge between Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley.

The longtime lovers have announced that, after 13 years together, they'll be going their separate ways -- at least for the time being.

"It is a temporary thing. It is a mutual and amicable decision," said a spokeswoman for the couple's production company, Simian Films.

The couple will continue to share a house, but won't have to worry about bumping into each other for a while. (He's filming "Bridget Jones' Diary" in England; she's on her way to America to work on her next project.)

In an apparent attempt to quell the rumors raging through the British tabloids that Hugh has been playing around on Liz, the spokeswoman added that the duo "would like to stress that there are no third parties involved."

Rrrrright.

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Thoughtful to the end

"In my last big parts, I kept thinking, 'Suppose I die in the middle? What is it going to cost everyone?'"

-- Sir John Gielgud, who died Sunday at age 96.

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Juicy bits

The nutty director? Jerry Lewis is set to direct a new comedy, "Truffles," which revolves around an American chef working for the French president who goes undercover to investigate a truffle-trafficking scam. Lewis will also take a small role in the film, which begins filming in Paris in January. The aging comedian says he's looking forward to returning to France because, "I will walk down the Champs-Elysees in Paris and get hugs and kisses thrown at me." Unless Mickey Rourke gets there first.

In other old-guy news ... Larry King's wife birthed the couple's second child: Cannon Edward King. I hope, with a name like that, the little feller came out like a shot ...

Another monkey toucher! "Saturday Night Live" star Will Ferrell has signed on to appear in "Dieter," Mike Myers' big-screen version of his SNL sketch "Sprockets." He'll play Dieter's American cousin, Bob Sheeder. No word on whether or not he'll wear a fez.

Bobby Brown really doesn't have his wife's luck with the law. Whitney Houston's hubby has been ordered by a judge to remain in jail in Florida until June 19, when his case will be heard. He's accused of testing positive for cocaine while on probation for drunk driving. After hearing the news, Brown turned to his lawyer and said, "It's not fair, man. It's not fair." Tell it to the judge.

It's called the boob tube, Ed. Attorney Ed Masry, of "Erin Brockovich" fame, is joining fellow lawyers F. Lee Bailey, Christopher Darden and Gloria Allred on an upcoming syndicated court TV show. On the show, the lawyers will duke it out on behalf of people who, according to Variety, "would normally not have access to such high-powered legal representation." No, that doesn't include you, Bobby Brown.