To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People Nov. 22, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/11/22/np1122 Sound bite for the apocalypse: "Read my gills" Ex-prez part iguana? Jason Alexander goes on the "Star Trek" diet; Will Smith gets jiggy for the White House. Plus: Hot fun -- down the water slide with Dolly Parton! - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter First sign of the apocalypse: A group that believes ex-prez George Bush will be "summoning oppressive evil forces at a black mass in a dank stone burial chamber deep inside the great Cheops pyramid at midnight on December 31." Agence France-Presse reports that officials in Egypt have decided to close the Giza pyramids on New Year's Eve in order to prevent any wacky antics from "pyramidiots" who might turn up to rendezvous with Satan. And while Bush himself is unlikely to show, David Icke, a British TV sportscaster turned doomsayer, is scheduled to accompany a spiritual tour to Giza on the brink of Y2K to try to catch a glimpse of him nonetheless. According to Icke's Web site, Bush and the British royals are members of the "Illuminati elite" of human-reptile hybrids who ritualistically tap into fourth-dimensional energy forces to rid regular folks of their consciousness. So that explains George W.'s success ... as well as the lack of flies in the White House during the Bush administration. - - - - - - - - - - - - Bond, dirty Bond "Great sex is when you don't want to wash for the rest of the day." -- Pierce Brosnan on his idea of a good time, in the London Telegraph. - - - - - - - - - - - - And you thought Seinfeld was vain Second sign of the apocalypse: Jason Alexander longing to look more like Kate Moss. The "Seinfeld" alum has been on a crash diet ever since he got a gander at his own alarming ampleness in an upcoming TV special, "Ultimate Trek: Star Trek's Greatest Moments." Hosting the show was a "dream come true," Alexander says in a TV Guide interview, but when he saw himself in the dailies, letting it all hang out in a replica of Captain Kirk's figure-hugging star-fleet duds, "my dream turned into a nightmare." "That outfit is very unforgiving," he says. "I have never looked worse in my life." Worse, even, than he looked as butt-heavy Boris Badenov in the forthcoming "Rocky and Bullwinkle" flick. "With Boris, at least I can blame it on a fat suit," he says. "I'm afraid it's all me in the Kirk suit." Sounds like someone needs lessons in stoicism from Spock. - - - - - - - - - - - - Gobdarned good news "Gobsmacked, but ecstatic." -- Friends describing British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie's reaction to the discovery that, at age 45, she's pregnant with their fourth child. - - - - - - - - - - - - Viva Los Grandmas Third sign of the apocalypse: Ann-Margret will appear in an upcoming CBS miniseries based on Lawrence Schiller's book about the JonBenet Ramsey case, "Perfect Murder, Perfect Town." She'll play JonBenet's ... grandmother. - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Andy Williams: funny lady? The singer is trying to avoid surgery by resting his voice after doctors found a node on his vocal chords. "I'm told the operation sometimes affects the sound of your voice," he recently told Daily Variety. "As long as I don't sound like Barbra Streisand. That wouldn't be too good coming out of a man's body." C'mon, Andy. You'd do a fabulous Yentl. Just when you thought it was safe ... Along comes another Quayle. Howey Political Report, a non-partisan Indiana newsletter, is speculating that Dan Quayle's 25-year-old son, Tucker, might soon follow in his father's political footsteps. "He's as good-looking as his old man and as smart as his mom," said one source. Or is it the other way around? President Jiggy? Will Smith wants to be the Fresh Prince of the Oval Office. "I've always thought I'd like to become America's first black president,'' the actor told the British Sun on Friday. "I've got a lot of other things I've got to do first -- but I think I'll get round to it in about 10 years' time." Sorry, but haven't we seen enough "Big Willie Style" in the White House? Rosa Parks has lost round one of her legal fight against OutKast, Arista Records and LeFace records for the hip-hop group's use of her name in its song "Rosa Parks," but the civil rights icon's lawyer says she'll "forge ahead in this matter with the same faith, courage and quiet strength she employed to change a nation." Guess she's still not ready to take her seat just yet. Hooray for Dollywood? Dolly Parton has announced that she's expanding her eponymous theme park in Pidgeon Forge, Tenn., and adding a water park. "I'm already looking forward to making a 'big splash' when my new water park opens around Memorial Day 2001," she said. Let the wet T-shirt jokes begin ... salon.com | Nov. 22, 1999