To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People Nov. 5, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/11/05/np115 Meet the fundits At the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest, pundits and pols kick out the phat comedy jams ... - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter It's official: The funniest celebrity in Washington is ... (drum roll, please) ... Sen. Joseph Lieberman. The Democratic senator from Connecticut got the big nod at the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest Wednesday night from a group of power judges -- former press secretary Dave Beckwith, radio guy Jim Bohannon, Time magazine's Margaret Carlson, C-SPAN's Steve Scully and Washington Post party maven Roxanne Roberts. The contest, produced by Richard Siegel to benefit the Child Welfare League of America, pitted pundits and pols against one another in what last year's winner, Time's Matt Cooper, called C-SPAN's Def Comedy Jam. (It will, in fact, air on C-SPAN later this month.) The action started out a tad slowly. Emcee Chuck Conconi of Washingtonian magazine stumbled his way through a few lame jokes about George W. Bush, Monica Lewinsky and Donald Trump. "You're heckling me and I'm not even a contestant!" he exclaimed. D.C. pundits and Hill staffers: tough crowd. The audience warmed up a bit when Cooper came out for his final wave, tiara safely out of sight. Riffing on the heat Al Gore's taken for hiring Naomi Wolf as a consultant, he observed, "Clinton gets a sex scandal; Gore gets a sex-education scandal. Clinton gets a blow job; Gore gets advice from a woman who writes about blow jobs. Is that parity?" But seriously, Cooper loves the president. Really, he does. Invited him to his wedding, in fact. On the big day, the big guy came up to him and said, "Matt, this is a great occasion ... Who's the chick in the white dress?" Next up, radio talker Billy Bush. The ex-prez's nephew mined his family for material. On the White House: Since Uncle George lost it to Clinton, there's "been more bush in it than ever before." On his cousin's recent tussle with a garbage truck: "Thank God he swerved to the right at the last minute." Funny. And for his efforts, he got an honorable mention from the judges. MSNBC's Cynthia Alksne got in a few good lines. On Marilyn Monroe's recently auctioned dress: "Clinton dropped out of the bidding. He realized he'd already shot his wad on a similar item." On choosing between Gore and Bradley: "It's like that wrenching decision between 1 percent and 2 percent milk." On Gary Bauer: "He violates the No. 1 Alksne rule of voting: Never vote for a guy you can beat up in a bar fight." Former Rep. Susan Molinari's routine was more skit than stand-up. But the audience, especially her own cheering squad down front, ate it up, as, apparently, did the judges: She came in second. The Hotline's Howard Mortman scored a few at Larry King's expense. King's been married so many times, "his car doesn't say 'Just Married,' it says 'Just Kidding.'" The guy "takes wives the same way he takes calls: Roanoke, Virginia, you're next." Presidential advisor turned pundit Paul Begala's best bit: George Bush's motto was "Read my lips"; Pat Buchanan's is "Read 'Mein Kampf.'" Gene Sperling, the president's assistant for economic policy, proved that W magazine didn't dub him D.C.'s most eligible bachelor based on his sense of humor. His riff on wonkish pick-up lines: "Hey, baby, I cannot keep my hands off my surplus ... of love." The Weekly Standard's Tucker Carlson delivered one long crude joke and one old crude joke with impish enthusiasm, but the judges must not have heard the one about Dopey and the Penguin before. They gave him third place. But Sen. Lieberman was the evening's alpha funnymale. The guy's a list master. Among his "nine good reasons George W. Bush couldn't be here tonight": He didn't want to miss tuna casserole night; his Brinks truck was still circling the neighborhood looking for a parking place; and he couldn't think of anything funnier to say than "President Steve Forbes." Among his suggestions for an all-women cabinet: secretary of defense, Xena the Warrior Princess; secretary of housing, Leona Helmsley; secretary of education, Vanna White; attorney general, Judge Judy; commerce secretary, Kathy Lee Gifford; secretary of health and human services ... Heidi Fleiss. Letterman impression aside, Lieberman scored his best jokes at his own expense. Conjuring up Al Franken's fantasy of a Franken-Lieberman run for president ("He wanted a balanced ticket. He's a reform Jew and I'm an Orthodox Jew"), he came up with a few bumper-sticker slogans. "With malice toward none, but a little guilt for everyone." "Tippecanoe and two Jews too." "A matzo ball in every pot." "No bull. No pork." "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your mother." And, for the angry white male vote ... "Lox and Load." Accepting his first-place trophy, the senator waved down the standing O. "As is so much in Washington," he said, "I'm sure it was all a matter of expectations." Regardless, his mother would be proud. salon.com | Nov. 5, 1999