To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People July 21, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/07/21/springer End of civilization imminent Proof that there is no God: Springer may run for Senate; Mary Bono denies bonkin' The Newt. Plus: Mira Sorvino's summer of the flesh-tone panties. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter It could make for some very interesting free-for-alls on the Senate floor. The Cleveland Plain Dealer broke the not-nearly-surprising-enough news Tuesday that high-level Ohio Democratic Party officials are lobbying for Jerry Springer to run for Senate in 2000. (Now there's something to fear in Y2K.) Given the female troubles Mr. Gotta Franchise on Fisticuffs got into when he was vice mayor of Cincinnati (an all-too-appropriate title, as it turned out) and got nabbed canoodling with a prostitute after paying her with a personal check, you'd think Democratic Party officials would flee from the congressional concept faster than you can say "You slept with my sister's lesbian lover's pet poodle and now I'm going to whup you on global TV." But au contraire, mes amies. They're eating the sleazy stuff up like a Swanson's TV dinner. "I think Springer would be a viable, fascinating, interesting candidate for the U.S. Senate," Tim Burke, Democratic Party chairman of Ohio's Hamilton County, told the paper. "Did you know his TV show is the No. 2-rated television show in the world?" And Democratic Party consultant Gerald Austin offered this intriguing assessment: "This sounds like people sitting around with a list of candidates, then crossing off everybody who says no. Jerry Springer may be the only guy left on the list. Who knows, Godzilla may still be up there, too." Still, he said, a Springer run could have legs; "maybe Jesse the Body begat Jerry Springer." Naughty senatorial interns, get out those kneepads. You may soon be paid by personal check. - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - No-no, Newt-Newt "If I had had an affair with Newt Gingrich, I would have ended up on the Ways and Means [Committee]." -- GOP Rep. Mary Bono, angrily dismissing rumors that she cheated on her late husband Sonny with a certain minty-headed, headed-for-divorce ex-House speaker. - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - Stern's conspiracy of dunces I, for one, do not buy into any of the conspiracy theories flipping around the Web regarding JFK Jr.'s tragic presumed demise. (Although I did get a startled snicker out of the theory that Ms. Right-Wing Conspiracy herself, La Rodham Clinton, arranged the kind young hunk's kabosh for fear he might challenge her in a run for the New York Senate. Could she have disposed of Whitewater files by tucking them into the ill-fated airplane, too?) But the poor presidential prodigy's truly sad end did get caught up in a conspiracy of bad taste last weekend, courtesy of Howard Stern's braying band of decency-challenged fans. Identifying himself as Coast Guard official Ed Gaynor, a Stern follower known as Thomas "Captain Janks" Cipriano managed to sneak past screeners and onto the airwaves at CBS, ABC and MSNBC during the live post-crash coverage, reports RadioDigest.com. Janks told CBS News' Dan Rather that "some debris has been spotted and it is consistent with debris from a Saratoga. Whether it's John F. Kennedy's Saratoga, we don't know" and then said Stern and his producer "Baba Booey" were at the crash scene. Rather didn't pick up on the Stern reference and asked, "Excuse me, you said you had determined this debris is from a Piper Saratoga?" before the line went dead. Cipriano continued his Stern-inspired highjinks with ABC News' Peter Jennings, whom he called a name, and MSNBC's Soledad O'Brien, to whom he blurted, "Howard Stern thinks you're a whore." Yeah, well, I'm guessing O'Brien ain't a big fan of the rock-and-roll-haired radio rambler either ... - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - My dinner with Rambo? "It's a big departure for me. Malloy is a character who's more mental than physical, and the film has more dialogue than action." -- Sylvester Stallone on playing brains-over-brawn Detective Jake Malloy in the upcoming dramatic suspense flick "Detox" - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - Juicy bits Legs wide shut? Mira Sorvino's coming clean about her panties, confessing that she was one of only a few participants in the "Summer of Sam" orgy scene who's wearing a stitch. Before getting all too intimate with a slew of nude extras, the self-dubbed "goody-two-shoes" recently told rag mag W magazine, she slipped into a pair of "industrial-strength" skin-toned dainties. Guess being the star has certain undeniable underlying underwear privileges, eh? Dante's purgatory is over. The Italian Renaissance poet's missing ashes -- along with a note identifying them as his powdery remains -- turned up on Monday in the rare manuscript section of a Florence library, after having been missing for 70 years. Two employees stumbled across the historic sack o' ash on a shelf; it had last been seen at an exhibit in 1929 and may have been mislaid by librarians during a move. Then I suppose the whole ashy affair was, what, swept under the rug? I'm guessing he was a good deal more appealing than the character he played so convincingly. "Star Wars" fans mourn the passing of Declan Mulholland, the Irish actor who played sluggish big boy Jabba the Hutt in George Lucas' galaxy far, far away. Mulholland died of a brain tumor last week at age 66. May the Force be with him in perpetuity. salon.com | July 21, 1999