To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People July 9, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/07/09/robbie Faux hooters help save cojones Robbie Williams makes a boob of himself to save your balls; doomsday cult takes a hike, vaporizes; Kubrick wanted Steve Martin instead of Cruise. Plus: Have they no shame? Sophia Loren in bed, in public, with Mohamed Al Fayed. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter You gotta hand it to those British pop stars, they're always smushing right up against the boundaries of good taste like feisty fans at a football match. Take, for instance, singing sensation Robbie "The ego has landed, and it looks so fine" Williams' recent commercial to raise testicular cancer awareness in the U.K. For the good of his fellow man, the BBC reports, Williams will don an impressive set of fake breasts for the ad and frolic in the waves of Malibu, Calif. The camera will hone in on Williams' whopping Winnebagos and then pull back to reveal him grabbing his crotch and saying, "If you men paid more attention to these instead of these [gesturing to his plastic gazongas, which actually suit his impressive tattooed bod surprisingly well] then maybe fewer of us would be dying of testicular cancer. So go and check 'em out." As Robbie himself later commented, "Don't take your balls for granted, lads." - - - - - - - - - - - - Mulder! Scully! Either of you speak Spanish? Is this a case for "The X-Files" or what? About 60 members of a Colombian doomsday cult journeyed into the mountains of the Sierra Nevada last weekend for a date with a spaceship -- and now they're nowhere to be found. Tipped off by Mariela Tovar, whose daughter Patricia is among the members of the Stella Maris Gnostic church who marched off to meet the millennial extraterrestrials, the police have been searching high and low, but as yet have not uncovered hide nor hair nor eerie green glow. (Authorities reportedly say they're ruling out nothing, including the possibility of a group encounter with a stray UFO.) Can you say "anal probe"? - - - - - - - - - - - - Vanna's got a honkin' head "People say, 'Why did you pick her?' I said, 'Because her head is large.' And she came to see me after I told that to the press. She said, 'Is my head too big for my body?' And I said, 'No, Vanna, no. You know the whole alphabet -- that's why we hired you!'" -- Merv "Fortune's big wheel" Griffin on the ABCs of Vanna White's whoppin' noggin, on Monday's "Larry King Live." - - - - - - - - - - - - The handwriting's on the wall It's a sign of the times. Handwriting expert Illyas Zeshan has collected the jottings of stars ranging from Madonna to Cher (OK, so that's not much of a range, but whatever), put them through his exhaustive scientific analysis, and published his conclusions in a book called "Celebs Profiles in Signature." The word's most famous Truth or Dare devotee's signature, for instance, indicates a "desire to be disrobed," says Zeshan, while the woman who once stood proud (and tall) next to the late Sonny Bono signs her name like a loner with "a fierce temper" when provoked. John Travolta's scrawl suggests that he's far smarter than, say, Vinnie Barbarino, but does suffer from "an overblown ego" like the singing sweathog. Tom Cruise's action-packed signage sez "impatient man who rarely feels the need to apologize to anyone," while Jim Carrey's autograph reveals the man behind the mask as "in love with himself more than anyone else." After conducting my own in-depth analysis of expert Zeshan's signature, I've concluded that he's a "crafty opportunist" out to make a quick buck writing a book telling people what they "already know." - - - - - - - - - - - - This kinky sex game's all I need ... and this remote control "Stanley thought ['Eyes Wide Shut'] would be perfect for Steve Martin. He loved 'The Jerk.'" -- Writer Michael Herr, erstwhile buddy of late lamented Stanley Kubrick, on how, if the director'd had his druthers, he would have picked a certain comic genius to star in his upcoming psychosexual drama instead of Tom Cruise. (Tom, it might be time to fight such scurrilous rumors by donning a fake arrow through your head and giving your all to a big, "Well, excuuuuse me.") - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Talk about a shopping spree from hell. On hand to open the summer sale at London's Harrod's department store on Wednesday, Sophia Loren was attacked by a flapping parrot in the pets department, fell off a dais into what one British tabloid described as an "undignfied heap" and then was compelled to stretch out on a bed next to wacky store owner Mohamed Al Fayed before the gaping throngs. "It's worse than making movies," Loren lamented. Here's hoping she at least got a sizable discount. Call them heroin's heroes. The Irish Times reports that three milkmen and a carpenter from Dublin -- Peter Joyce, William Kenny, Brian Kenny and Peter Kiernan -- stand accused of providing their thirsty clients with a little extra service. When their quaint old milk-delivery business began to curdle, the three gentlemen started to skim a little off the top by delivering heroin on their rounds for a major Dublin drug gang. Ah, so that's why Irish eyes are smiling. Forget strict curfews and empty threats from mean cops. An Australian shopping mall has found that the only sure way to keep teens from lurking around malls for hours on end is to play Buh-buh-bing Crosby's 1938 hit "My Heart Is Taking Lessons" -- over and over and over ... and loud. According to Sydney's Daily Telegraph, that and using pink fluorescent lights to throw zits into horrific relief has sent the kiddies running. Perhaps they should also require young hangabouts to share a bed with Mohamed Al Fayed. I hear that's a lot of fun. salon.com | July 9, 1999