To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People June 29, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/06/29/alfayed Horsey? perhaps. Bloodsucker, no. Mohamed Al Fayed tries to charm the royals; Yeow! that's gotta hurt: Clinton ranked less dateable than Rodman or the Donald. Plus: Knock it off, you two cut-ups! John Wayne Bobbitt wants to date Lorena. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter Now hear this: Mohamed Al Fayed is mad as hell and he's not gonna take it anymore. The Harrods chief made that fact and his supreme lack of tact perfectly clear in an interview aired this past weekend on Australia's "60 Minutes." Sounding a tad touched himself, deceased Diana doter Dodi's dad, who's been more than a little frustrated in his near-epic quest for British citizenship, repeated his allegations that the British royals ordered Dodi and Di's death-by-car-crash because there was "no doubt" the two planned to marry. Then he added insult to accusations of injury, calling Prince Charles "ga-ga" for choosing "grandmother"-ish Camilla Parker Bowles over "goddess-faced" Princess Diana. "To go out with this Dracula. I call her, you know, Dracula," he bitingly branded Parker Bowles. "I don't know what he sees in her. It's just unbelievable." Now, now, Mr. Al Fayed. Camilla may be a wee bit horsey, but bloodsucking? Naah. Although come to think of it, that might be an appropriate enough moniker for her all-too-vividly imaginative beau, the new-and-improved super-absorbent tampon Prince. - - - - - - - - - - - - Meatloaf didn't make the list? Is President Clinton marriage material? American women say no. (Why, what a shocker!) According to a poll conducted by the Romance Classics cable channel, the perpetually pointy president is last on the list of men women would want to marry. Ranking below not only Dennis "Mourning becomes Carmen Electra" Rodman, Donald "World's most unattractive serial wife dumper" Trump and Jerry "What am I doing on this list?" Seinfeld, but also O.J. "Divorce cuts like a knife no matter what John Wayne Bobbitt says (see below)" Simpson. The good news for Mr. C? He may have found his perfect match in that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. The ignominious former intern ranks numero uno as the woman American men least want to marry. (Proving valid her "Who will marry me now?" fears? I, for one, am not so sure; I predict a nice young man will come along soon to serenade America's phone-sex sweetheart with thongs ... er, songs ... of love.) The Mon-ster just edged out Joan "All tawk" Rivers, Tori "But my dad's a TV genius" Spelling, Courtney "Marriage ain't no Nirvana" Love and material (but not marriage material) girl Madonna. Pretty big talk from a bunch of Fabio fans. - - - - - - - - - - - - Bobbitt wants his baby back ... "I feel I am now ready to talk to Lorena and see what made her do the thing. What I would like to do is a one to one with Lorena on national TV to answer my questions about what happened and why. After the interview, I would like to go out with Lorena to dinner and see where that leads to. Who knows? If all goes good, we just might get back together." -- Porn star, freak-show attraction and would-be author John Wayne "Snip and Sew" Bobbitt on his dicey dream of reuniting with his handy-with-a-knife ex-wife, in Scotland's Daily Record. - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Please, don't squeeze Mrs. Whipple ... TV-land's top TP squisher is set to make a comeback. Charmin-cuddlin' actor Dick Wilson will return to your tube to reprise his role as that scampish terlet-tissue-obsessed grocer Mr. Whipple, but sadly, the actor's real-life wife, Meg Wilson, won't be by his side on-screen. Although Mrs. Wilson, whose husband sometimes affectionately calls her "his Charmin," auditioned for the role of Mrs. Whipple, the casting director turned her down because she didn't think she looked like a TP-loving grocer's wife. (Uh ... where do you suppose Mr. Whipple would rank on Romance Classics' marriageability list?) Sounds like that casting director flushed a perfectly good PR opportunity right down the toilet. Like their mother, the daughters of Prince Andrew and the fat-fighting Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, won't be able to throw their weight around for long. According to the Sunday Times, Britain's royal family will ask 10-year-old Princess Beatrice and 9-year-old Princess Eugenie to renounce their princess titles and settle for a mere "Lady" before their names. It's all part of Buckingham Palace's attempt to "modernize" and "slim down" the royal family. Couldn't the queen's people just call Fergie's friends at Weight Watchers? Well, he wouldn't be high on my marriage list, but Rupert "I'm not that kind of Fox" Murdoch has just wed Wendi Deng, a woman significantly less than half his age. The freshly divorced tabloid king and his sweet young thing tied the knot Saturday night aboard his whopping yacht, drifting just below the statue they call Lady Liberty (formerly Princess Liberty, but deprived of that title on her 18th birthday?). Fire works and a heartfelt rendition of Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" followed the ceremony. In lieu of rice, guests threw Viagra. salon.com | June 29, 1999