To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People June 28, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/06/28/knysh China's new weapon: Smart sperm To be Chinese, microscopic and brilliant; Korbut's koach kops to knuckleheadedness; Justice in Utah sweepstakes: First prize? Dinner with the psycho who was birddoggin' ya. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter A murky, somewhat sticky question is swimming around China these days: Do stupid sperm and the dullish men who spawn them have rights? Certain male members of China's intellectual elite are rising up to defend their country against a brand-spanking-new government-run sperm bank that stiffs less-educated would-be donors in order to, in the clinic's words, "select sperm with high-quality characteristics." Notables' Sperm Bank accepts specimens only from men with, at minimum, master's degrees (a new twist on Seinfeld's masters of their own domain?) to provide China's increasingly infertile society with "attractive, intelligent children." Although the slick new facility has been flooded with applications from some of academe's more magnanimous members, not everyone supports its prostatic pickiness, Xinhua news agency recently reported. "Both foolish and clever people have the right to live," spurted Yu Pingzhe, a philosophy professor at Sichuan University. "From the viewpoint of genetics, the sperm of highly educated people may not be better than that of others," shot back Zhang Sizhong, a senior researcher at Huaxi Medical University. Spew on about equality, boys. All I can tell you is, if I got stuck with the offspring of the Chinese equivalent of Sylvester Stallone, I'd be angrier than Mao Zedong at a Microsoft moneyfest ... - - - - - - - - - - - - "Yellow Submarine" almost didn't surface "The song was for Ringo, just a throwaway. The film was something contracted by Brian Epstein and the Beatles hated the idea. When it became a huge success, of course, the Beatles started acting like it was a great film." -- Beatles producer George Martin on how the boys in the band "hated" their "Yellow Submarine" before it became a raging success. - - - - - - - - - - - - Koach Knysh kops to being a knucklehead Break out the caviar and vodka, folks. What we got here is a Russian-accented case of he said, she said. Right on cue, Olga Korbut's allegedly randy Russian coach has revved up for a fight with the feisty former gymnast who was once his charge. And he's angrier than Boris Yeltsin at a booze-free banquet. Describing Korbut's recent shocking (I staunchly refuse to use a certain gobawful G-word today. I'll bring it out -- like the good silver -- only for special occasions) allegations that he forced her to become his teenage sex slave as "outrageous," Renald Knysh fumed to the London Daily Telegraph, "This is the height of impudence. Her despicable behavior knows no limits." Sure, the erstwhile coach allowed, he once slapped her face, but that was after she'd won three gold medals in the Munich Olympics. (Knifty little distinction there, Mr. Knysh; the timing really does make all the difference.) And if he was stern, he said, it was because the pesky little athlete was headstrong and ill disciplined. "I really had to struggle with her," Knysh knoted to the knewspaper. "You just wouldn't believe what hard work she was with her changing moods and airs and graces." The knerve! - - - - - - - - - - - - You can leave your sombrero on ... "How is it possible that they allow table dancing to go on in their red-light districts and then they shut down [our show]?" -- Male strip-show producer and Mexican hat dancer (of sorts) Sergio Mayer, whose Full Monty-esque show is being called "shameless" by protesters. - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Lesson for the ladies: Never jump out of an airplane wearing a parachute provided by the guy you've just heartlessly rejected. Sky-diving German nurse Andrea Ullrich recently learned that the rock-hard way, hurtling 10,000 feet to her untimely death after her chute was tampered with by the knutcase who had it bad for her. (No German pancake jokes, please.) Smitten Ralf Kasperect, who frequently dives with a mini-chute-outfitted teddy bear mascot named Mr. Bean, turned bitter and murderous after he overheard Ullrich tell another parachutist she felt nothing for him. You better watch your back, Mr. Bean. Score one for justice, zero for ill-conceived romantic notions. A Utah judge was reprimanded last week for sentencing a stalker to take his victim to dinner. "I was kind of in shock," stalking victim Anita Ferroni said of Judge Dee W. Alldredge's ruling that Michael Penrose take her out for dinner at a steakhouse. "He's a judge. I thought, 'This is weird.'" What's the problem, Anita, do you knot like steak? salon.com | June 28, 1999