To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People June 22, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/06/22/lilith Falwell: Lilith sucked face with she-demons Falwell shifts focus from Tinky-Winky to the Beast; off with his head! Prince William gets digital makeover. Plus: This week's fun couple -- Evel Knievel and Chrissie Hynde. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter Their voices are lilting. Ticket sales are wilting. But are the lovely ladies of Lilith Fair doing the work of ... Satan? Hmmm? A certain wily Tinky-Winky-outer proclaims that, sweet as the songs of Sarah McLachlan and co. may be, they possess -- gasp! -- the demon seed. (Am I the only one who'd pay good money to see marvelous Ms. McLachlan's head do a 360 and spew green bile?) "Many young people no doubt attend the Lilith Fair concerts not knowing the demonic legend of the mystical woman whose name the series manifests," intones the always-good-for-a-snicker "Parents Alert" column in the June issue of the Rev. Jerry Falwell's National Liberty Journal. According to the paper's highly insightful senior editor, J.M. Smith, the all-women concert tour's biblical namesake is a "pagan figure" with a bent toward "lesbian imagery." The "mythical character who many feminists celebrate as the first wife -- and equal -- of Adam," he explains, was an unwed mother who cranked out the kiddies and then went on a killing spree. What's more, while there's no evidence that Lilith was purple or carried a purse, she was, says Smith, given to sucking face with demons of the female persuasion. Zesty! Anyone taking bets on how long it takes Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche to team up on "Lilith: the Movie" with (where is she now?) Linda "Swirly-neck" Blair? - - - - - - - - - - - - If Evel's right about heaven, I'd rather go straight to hell with the Lilith gals! "Heaven is a place you can go and drink a lot of draft beer and it don't make you fat. You can cheat on your wife and she don't get mad. You get a beautiful female chauffeur with nice, hard tits -- real ones. There are motorcycle jumps you never miss. You don't need a tee time." -- Daredevil Evel "No, I'm not dead yet" Knievel, painting a vivid picture of a sweet, consequence-free hereafter in Esquire. - - - - - - - - - - - - If Baby Spice had been there to lend a platform shoe, everyone's problems would have been solved! It's official: Prince Edward and Sophie Rhys-Jones, the newly christened Earl and Countess of Wessex, have tied the diamond-encrusted royal knot. (Mazel tov!) The wedding was beautiful. The obedient bride looked smashing. The ratings were respectable. The queen mother lived through the ceremony. And guests -- even surly Prince Charlie -- boogied down afterward to disco classics, including the completely incongruous Village People hit "YMCA" (guess the happy couple felt those nasty rumors about thespian Edward's presumed predilections were sufficiently quashed by the royal ring exchange). But, alas, one attendee didn't appear quite as happy as he did, say, the day he met the Spice Girls. In fact, the BBC reports that popular-with-the-preteen-set Prince William looked so pathetically unenthused in the official Windsor family photo, the photographer had to do a little fancy dancing (à la YMCA-ing Prince Charles?) and paste in a faux smile. "Prince Edward said he didn't think Prince William looked absolutely his best," family photographer Sir Geoffrey Shakerley confessed to the press, "so digitally we were able to put in another picture of Prince William from one of the other shots where he is smiling and laughing." And woeful Wills wasn't the only one in need of a little artificial enhancement come photo time. Sir Geoffrey said several particularly petite royal family members stepped up and got a little boost from phone books. However, although Sir Geoffrey came prepared with "10 huge yellow pages," he lamented, "We didn't take enough." Seems it's not just the power of the monarchy that's shrinking. - - - - - - - - - - - - Got brass in pocket, but she'll keep her shirt on, thanks "Women musicians, these days, seem to think everyone wants to see their breasts. I think that's very un-rock." -- Pretenders rocker Chrissie Hynde, taking aim at the tit-for-tat maneuvers of today's groovin' gals. (Really, Chrissie, couldn't you leave such unhelpful comments to the Falwellians?) - - - - - - - - - - - - Juicy bits Austin Powers, shagadelic cartoon? Yeah, baby, yeah! HBO has ordered 13 lucky episodes of a half-hour animated series following the groovy exploits of everyone's favorite dentally challenged randy man. Man o' mystery Mike Myers (who, thanks to Austin-mania, now has more money than God and almost as much as Julia Roberts) will once again put the grrr in swinger and voice Powers on the show. But will he sing? "I adored the Beatles' cartoon show growing up," Myers told USA Today. "They were always breaking into song. I would love to have Austin and his band have a song component each week." Austin every week? To paraphrase one of the shag-carpet-chested spy's favorite songs: When I think about it, I touch myself. (Oh, behave!) That nutty Bush family is always up to something. If they're not jumping out of airplanes or running for president, they're blowing off thousands of dollars in customs fees. Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's wife, Columba, found herself slapped with a hefty $4,100 fine last Thursday after she failed to declare $19,000 (!) in clothing and jewelry she scored during a jaunt through Paris. Mrs. Bush said she is "sorry for exercising bad judgment and can assure everyone this will never happen again." If for no other reason than there's no room left in her closet. First Florence Henderson and now Fergie? What are those "Today" big shots thinking? The morning news show's producers are in final talks with Sarah Ferguson, the weight-watching Duchess of York, to do features, interviews and celeb chats. "Today" executive producer Jeff Zucker explained to the Washington Post that the Fergie feeling hit him after she appeared on the news program as a guest. "She was dynamic and full of life and really connected," Zucker says. "It struck me, why not give it a shot?" Zucker says he's got "a good gut feeling" that the riled-up royal will help keep the show fresh. Diet doyenne Fergie's got a gut feeling too, but it's probably just hunger. salon.com | June 22, 1999