Talk about elderly abuse. A sticky-fingered skivvy-stealer is swiping old folks' bras and undies off clotheslines in suburban Philadelphia. And his panties-wearing prey and their protectors in the police force say they won't rest until they find the pesky petticoat pilferer.

"I don't know how this numbskull has the nerve," 79-year-old panty-raid victim Dene Robbins griped to the Philadelphia Inquirer. "The man needs help." (She's a bit bitter, yes, but wouldn't your knickers be in a twist if someone snitched your unmentionables right off the line?)

Size apparently matters to the lingerie looter, who police believe is responsible for no less than five incidents in the last three weeks. He reportedly prefers women's underthings on the roomy side -- bypassing bikinis and throwing aside thongs. According to the chief investigator's case report, "The victims appear to be elderly in age, as in the style of underwear taken. Other, more youthful underwear, are left behind."

The brassiere burglar also appears to have expensive, if kinky, taste. "I'm trying not to brood about it," Robbins brooded. "But he did take all the good ones."

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A politician after the panty pirate's heart

Continuing on the topic of underwear (hey, it is bikini season, you know), I must note that things are getting even weirder than usual in the wacky world of U.K. politics.

The Daily Record in Glasgow, Scotland, reports that "Breakaway Tory" Julia Gash has unveiled a batch of undies backing Scotland adopting the euro -- in the blue and yellow color scheme of the E.U. flag and featuring "racy" slogans. "I'm all for early entry," chirps one pair. "Don't lie back and think of England," warns another.

Hey, Julia, can you ship jumbo-size to Philly?

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They don't call him Frank for nothin'

"I had a hard time meeting people. I hired men for sex, then tried to make a friend out of them."

-- Out, outspoken and, yes, sometimes out there (is my intellectual crush showing like ol' Dene Robbins' slip?) U.S. Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., mulling over his motives for once digging and sharing his digs with male prostitute Steve Gobie, in the July Playboy

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I, for one, do not want to be there when her water breaks

Amy Reiter Amy Reiter's column appears daily on the People site, Monday through Friday. + Biography + Archives Got a hot tip? Tell Amy!

Perhaps someone better put some pants on Camila. (Yes, I am determined to allude to undies in nearly every item today. What of it?)

Camila, who resides in Lima, Peru, is an instructional statue that, its builders say, is the largest of its kind -- a 229-foot-long, 52-foot-wide, 52-foot-high anatomically accurate sculpture of a pregnant woman. Boasting a complete set of human organs and a 3-ton baby (Camila herself weighs 30 tons; her dainties would clearly be extra roomy -- just the way a certain thong-eschewing thief likes 'em), the statue opened (ahem!) on Wednesday for Peruvian schoolchildren and the curious public to walk through. She'll remain on display through December ... at which time she'll don a pair of panties reading "I'm all for early entry."

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Juicy bits and follow-ups from dirt-diggin' NP readers

A couple of weeks ago, I ran an item about a colorful kiddy-pleasing Australian band called the Wiggles that was heading toward the U.S. and Europe with high hopes of being bigger than Barney. A reader from the land down under reports the following (unconfirmed) dish: "The Wiggles had an earlier incarnation as an appalling inner-city (Sydney) 'thrash-grunge' band called the Cockroaches. One of them is never ever seen with his sleeves rolled up ... Kids DO adore them though." So much more startling than that tired Tinky-Winky scandal. Have at it, Mr. Falwell.

Remember that item about the Norwegian woman hatching a bird's egg between her breasts? Well, a reader identifying himself as "a non-nesting Norwegian" considerately sent along a link to a Norwegian newspaper story (Jordmor ruger fugleegg!) featuring a photo of the bulkily brassiered woman, Anne-Marit Smette (originally identified in this column as Anne-Mette Smette -- a name apparently too good to be true), looking quite pleased with herself and her blueish breast-nestled ovum. The helpful reader also shares this Smette-family scoopage: Anne-Marit's grandmother once breast-fed a piglet that had been rejected from its pen.

I'm sorry ... after that last one ... I really don't think I can go on ...

Perhaps we should all just lie back and think of England.
salon.com | June 7, 1999

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