To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > People May 18, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/people/col/reit/1999/05/18/pickle Doling out Viagra won't fix this pickle Bob not aroused over Liddy's run; Moore vs. Goldberg: bloodsport we can support. - - - - - - - - - - - - By Amy Reiter No wonder Elizabeth Dole has been calling reporters from the Washington Post and National Public Radio just to say please love me. The pink-cheeked presidential hopeful doesn't appear to be getting a whole lotta lovin' at home. And no, I'm not talking about her husband's widely publicized struggle to overcome erectile dysfunction (now that's one GOP member we all could have lived without contemplating). I'm talking about his bizarre statements to the New York Times last week that he is considering giving money to one of his wife's rivals for the Republican presidential nomination, Arizona Sen. John McCain. "I've thought about it," Bob Dole declared. "McCain's my friend. And he's not raising the money that George [W.] Bush is. I think we need to keep good people in the race. So I've thought about ways to help McCain in particular." He did add, however, ever so flaccidly, that he would have to "check with Elizabeth first." Dole also damned his wife's nascent undeclared candidacy (polls generally find her at No. 2, limboing in just behind stay-at-home near-candidate Bush) with faint praise. "I'm sort of leaning that she'll do it," he said of the likelihood of her formally declaring her candidacy. "But she hasn't told me point-blank. If there's no response out there, or if it looks impossible, this is not her whole life. If she can't raise the money, obviously it's pretty hard to be a candidate." (Funny, Bob, when you ran, you made it look as easy as falling off a stage.) In fact, the Bobster had kinder things to say about young Bush than he did about his own wife; "He's in a strong position, no question about it," he noted. And of his wife's chances against Al "Coached by Clinton" Gore? "It's too early to tell." But he did commend the little lady for "flying around all by herself." Careful, Mr. Dole, a few more condescending pats on the head like that and you could mess up more than Liddy's hairdo ... - - - - - - - - - - - - Don't worry, Cheryl, that's what cell phones are for "I don't want to be detained for 30 days. I have a life, a house to clean, people to call." -- Cheryl Roberts, a Connecticut woman accused of stalking "Highlander, The Series" star Adrian Paul, whom she calls "Bunny Nose" and has allegedly phoned 20 to 30 times a day for more than a year, on the inconvenience of being arrested last week - - - - - - - - - - - - Calling Mr. Falwell ... Perhaps that happy homophobe Jerry Falwell turned his attention away from the evils of Tinky Winky and toward the evils of Budweiser (he's railing against an ad for the King of Beers in which two men -- gasp! -- hold hands) just a little too soon ... Now a new band of colorfully outfitted men are setting out to work their dubious magic on American kiddies, and they're called (nudge, nudge ... wink, wink) the Wiggles. The hunky singing Australians, whose vocals and synchronized dancing have earned comparisons to craft masters N'Sync, are backed up by a batch of suspiciously chipper costumed characters. They're the biggest things going with the kiddies down under, and now they're out to out-jiggle the Teletubbies and out-purple the world's most popular violet dinosaur as they bring their TV show and videos to the U.S. and the U.K. "Red Wiggle" Murray Cook says he thinks the show's universal appeal will help it prevail despite the band members' thick Australian accents. It will, he predicts, become bigger than Barney. Come on, everybody, let's all get together for a big round of "I love you. You love me." And that includes you, Bob and Liddy ... - - - - - - - - - - - - And now for the first item on George W.'s presidential agenda "We are unaware of any constitutional right to drink while watching nude dancing." -- Alabama appeals court, upholding an ordinance banning naked balletics in clubs that sell alcohol, which may find its way to the U.S. Supreme Court - - - - - - - - - - - - Step right up and see nothing but ego ... I'm over here chanting for blood. Who could ask for a better matchup than Michael "Look at me!" Moore and Lucianne "No, look at me!" Goldberg? But the two major-league media manipulators are squaring off against each other, and it doesn't look like either one will stop until someone loses an eye -- or at least a camera lens. Moore started the celebrity skirmish by positioning a video camera across the street from the Linda Tripp-coaching literary agent's New York City apartment and broadcasting the footage continuously on a Web site called I See Lucy. (Let me save you the click: You can't see a blessed thing.) He also claims to be collecting DNA samples from Goldberg: a strand of hair, a swab of spittle, but as yet no stained dress. "We're taking Lucianne's cue, basically," Moore told the New York Post last week. "She convinced Linda Tripp to violate Monica Lewinsky's right to privacy. She told me she believes it's all right to do that if the person is a threat to the country. I couldn't agree more. Which is why she should experience the same treatment." "Oh please," Goldberg shot back. "If this is a joke, it isn't funny, and if it's serious, it's probably actionable. Which is fine, since my lawyers haven't had anything to do in weeks." Fight, fight, fight, fight! salon.com | May 18, 1999