May 7, 1999 | Looks like Monica Lewinsky may have more than just Ken Starr, Linda Tripp and myriad media meanies to worry about. A Miami man is so riled up about the fuss over the past presidential paramour's dickin' around that he's decided to sue her ampleness.

According to a lawsuit George Berry filed in Miami's U.S. District Court, the divine Miss Monica owes him more than $40 million, based on the amount of tax dollars spent on Starr's investigation into her Oval Office frolics with the Big Creep as well as "compensatory damages."

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"That's the beauty of this country. Everybody can file lawsuits," Walter Tache, Lewinsky's Florida lawyer, told the Washington Times. "He's claiming basically that Miss Lewinsky caused him injury even though, on the face of it, he hasn't been injured."

Although Tache has filed a motion for the suit to be dismissed, he says he wouldn't be surprised if U.S. District Court Judge Edward Davis were to "hold onto this for a while to entertain his clerks." Perhaps Monica could be persuaded to do a little thong-and-dance number for them.

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Yeah, but you also get to do cool stuff like invent the Internet and hold hands with Tipper ...

"Under no circumstances [would I be vice president]. I believe the vice president has two duties. One is to inquire daily as to the health of the president, and the other is to go to Third World dictators' funerals." -- Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain

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Watch your back, Bobby baby

Is Hugh Hefner out to get Bob Dole's Viagra poster boy gig? The pajama-sportin' Playboy magnate has been telling reporters that the potency pill is the best recreational drug he's ever used and that it's got him "feeling like a kid."

"A doctor friend gave me Viagra for my 72nd birthday. It was the best present I have had in memory. It gives a quality of sex and performance that previously only existed in dreams," the 73-year-old king of schwing recently raved.

He credits the drug with allowing him to date four women at once: a pair of identical twins -- who, Hef gloats, "never dated the same guy before" -- and two of their friends. "We're like family. There is no jealousy ... I am having the best time of my life," he gushed. Sounds like the old love-meister is seeing more action than Bill Clinton on a good day.

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The naked stewardess speaks

"I know it's not the sort of behavior people expect from an airline like British Airways. It's certainly not covered by any of our training programs." -- Andrea O'Neill, the BA flight attendant who stripped down to her skivvies and skipped around the tarmac at Italy's Genoa airport for a "bit of a giggle."

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Them ole movie star blues

Two very different actors announced this week that they would retire from the roles that have brought them fame, fortune and droves of female fans.

The quittin' whistle will soon blow for David Hasselhoff. The "Baywatch" body-in-chief says he's gonna vacate his lifeguard chair after just two more years on the breast-selling beach show. The sand-encrusted star, who has credited "Baywatch" with helping save lives around the world, says he's searching for another "real" actor to step into the swim trunks he fills on the new series, now filmed in Hawaii. "We used to get bodies," Hasselhoff recently said. "We were always after the look and thought the acting would come along, but with some people it never did." And those people shall remain nameless. But their initials are Pamela, Yasmine, Carmen and ...

Despite -- or perhaps due to -- the fact that he'll soon be a bigger name in households worldwide than even Herr Hasselhoff, Liam Neeson says he'll give up celluloid for good next year. The Irish actor, who has never had anything nice to say about Hollywood or the vagaries of its vain denizens, will cede his spot in front of the camera not long after the release of the "Star Wars" prequel, in which he appears as chivalrous Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn. He has, however, pledged his enduring love for theater.

"Film is a director's medium," he explains in the June issue of Redbook. "We are basically puppets. Producers earn all the money, and you get the sense that they hate actors. The crews are treated like slaves ... I don't think I can live with the inauthenticity of movies anymore. I don't like watching them, especially my own stuff." Well, at least then he won't have to wait on those long "Phantom Menace" lines.

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His dialing finger was bigger than his brain

A heavy breather in Vienna, Austria, has just learned a very valuable lesson: When you make an obscene phone call, don't leave your number.

According to the Australian news agency APA, the oversexed speed-dialer had been calling the same 32-year-old woman nearly every day for six months straight, when one day, she surprised him by saying she was too busy to talk but would call him back when she had a sec. So the sticky fellow, who has now admitted to making more than 40,000 obscene calls in the last three years, dutifully left his digits. Doh!

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Leo sez bring on the shoot-'em-ups!

Rumors that Leonardo DiCaprio is a really nice guy after all appear to be unfounded. The scrawny heartthrob's publicist says the London Daily Mirror's widely repeated report on Wednesday that the actor would refuse to appear in violent flicks in response to the Littleton, Colo., high-school shootings is "a total fabrication."

Regarding the attention the shootings have brought to Leo's classmate-murdering dream sequence in the film "Basketball Diaries," a chum of his told the New York Post, "He's horrified that he should be connected with any of this."

Right, because he'd much rather be known for his horribly infantile exploits with his high-profile buddies, referred to in Hollywood as "The Pussy Posse." Love that Leo.
salon.com | May 7, 1999

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