May 6, 1999 | You'd think Nancy's astrologer would have seen it coming. But, alas, freedom isn't in the stars for Cameron Reagan. Former President Ronald Reagan's 20-year-old grandson was sentenced to six months in the slammer Tuesday for taking part in two car burglaries in November. (Oh, the shame of Grandpa Gipper!)

According to young Reagan's lawyer, Don Wager, it was family troubles and the struggle to survive on the mean streets of Sherman Oaks, Calif., that drove his client to car-thievin' monkey business. It seems Cameron's parents, one of whom is Ronnie's eldest son, Michael, had thrown him out of the house for not holding down a job, despite the fact that he had been diagnosed with depression and adult attention deficit disorder. "At the time of his arrest he was homeless because his parents had ejected him from the house because they didn't understand the nature of his disorder," warranted Wager.

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And sticky-fingered Cameron claims that in the weeks before their arrest, he and his partner in crime, Chris Lopez, routinely bedded down on a rooftop, wrapped in a cruddy old rug and "cuddled together like puppies." But his plea for trickle-down sympathy didn't wash with the judge, who sentenced him to three years' probation in addition to the six-month lockup. When asked if he agreed to the terms of the sentence, Cameron, quick-thinking as his gramps, replied, "Do I have a choice?"

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The Starr report card

"He's obviously conservative, but he's extremely intelligent and, like, a really good professor ... I kind of went into the class thinking that I was not gonna like the man so much. [But] I found him really impressive, and also, in all honesty, more courteous than a lot of other professors -- which is odd, because when you read the Starr Report and read about his investigations, you don't think of him as a courteous person."

-- A student in Kenneth Starr's Current Constitutional Issues class at New York University's School of Law, in the New York Observer.

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Those Wacky Brits, Part I: Cantaloupe reduction

Vindication for Pamela Anderson Lee! Britain's largest supermarket chain has requested a little reductive cosmetic surgery for its melon supply.

Responding to research finding that seven out of 10 women surveyed agreed that breast size was "the most likely subconscious factor when selecting size of melon," Tesco stores are now eschewing big, fleshy produce and stocking more diminutive fruits.

"We were very surprised by the results of the market research," a Tesco spokesman told London's Daily Telegraph. "But it's certainly produced results. Since we introduced smaller melons two months ago we have sold more than a million." Ta-ta!

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Deep thought there, Burt ...

"Teeth are important."

-- Aging ladies' man, composer and Water Pik devotee Burt Bacharach.

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Those Wacky Brits, Part II: A bet's a bet

Lesson from a British Airways flight attendant: Be careful what you wager -- and never bet a pilot.

According to a London tabloid, a BA stewardess startled staff and passengers at Genoa airport when she stripped down to her undies and shoes, tossed on a loose safety vest and the pilot's hat and strolled down the steps of the plane she had been flying from London to Genoa, Italy. "She then allegedly ran round the plane before skipping back up the stairway," said the paper.

Apparently, her landing striptease came after she lost a bet with the pilot that the plane would not touch down ahead of schedule. One shudders to think what would have happened if she'd won the bet.

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Where there's smoke, there are serious balls of fire

Archie Bunker's out; Trent Lott is in. The Senate majority leader is the new target of actor Rob "Meathead" Reiner's political ire.

Reiner, whose liberal character on the seminal '70s TV show "All in the Family" was always at odds with his armchair-conservative father-in-law, lit into Lott last week at an event honoring tobacco industry foes. Reiner said the smoking-friendly senator had "serious balls" for dropping by the pre-dinner reception, reports Roll Call. "He's the guy who led the effort to kill [Sen. John ] McCain's tobacco bill," Reiner griped, "and here he is talking about how he's trying to keep kids off tobacco."

According to Lott spokesman John Czwartacki, the senator showed up at the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids reception because his brother-in-law, lawyer Richard Scruggs, was receiving an award. "If 'Meathead' has anything to say to Sen. Lott," Czwartacki told Roll Call, "he should put it in writing." Where's that "Little Goyl" to smooth things over when you need her?

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Those Wacky Brits, Part III: Racy car drivers

Is Bob Dole making money off this? British transport officials were puzzled by a recent flood of requests for the license plate number V14 GRA. Some frisky folks even offered as much as 25,000 pounds ($40,280) for the rights to the rigid digits. But ultimately, the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency decided the nearly naughty number was just a little too potent for the road.

"We kept getting asked for V14 GRA and to start with the penny didn't drop," the agency's marketing manager Byron Roberts told London papers. "We realize this is a number which would really stand out, but we've decided it's not suitable for release." What a bunch of stiffs.
salon.com | May 6, 1999

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