April 26, 1999 | Looks like Charlton "Gunslinger" Heston and Jesse "The Body" Ventura have a few things in common: a brazen bully streak, a high regard for handguns, a ham-handed hold on facts and a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. All four traits were in evidence as the aging actor and the Minnesota governor each rapid-fired virtually the same shockingly inappropriate statement Wednesday in reaction to the horrifying high school massacre in Littleton, Colo.

"Had there been someone who was armed, in this particular situation, in my opinion, it may have stabilized," gushed the gun-lovin' gov, an avid supporter of loosening handgun permit rules for non-criminals. "I believe it supports conceal and carry because of the fact that what happens when a group of unarmed individuals are confronted with people with weapons like this, you have no defense."

Hoary Heston, meanwhile, sang nearly the same strange song on ABC News. "If there had been even one armed guard in the school," croaked the National Rifle Association prez, "he could have saved a lot of lives and perhaps ended the whole thing instantly."

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How's that again? If either heat-packin' fellow had taken time away from target practice to read the papers, he'd know that there was in fact an armed sheriff's deputy on the scene (there's one in every Jefferson County high school). After exchanging rounds with one of the gunmen, however, officer Neil Gardner did what any rational person with or without a gun would do faced with someone shooting at him: He ran for cover and called for help.

After getting hit with several rounds of ridicule, Ventura himself beat a rapid retreat Thursday, expressing regret for his wacky words and saying, "The carrying of concealed weapons is not the answer to this terrible problem."

And while Heston has voiced no such regrets, he has offered an alternative target for those who would protect pistols. "I'm afraid you have to blame the parents of those two boys" for letting their kids wear black trench coats to school, says the thoughtless thespian and former Moses. Right, because you know how deadly those coats can be ...

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The good Lord says it's a rap

"I'm grateful for all the blessings bestowed on me that were a result of my music career. Now it's time for me to serve God in His way. The Lord sends you messages when He's ready and not necessarily when we are."

-- Bad Boy rapper Mase announcing his startling decision Thursday -- the very week his new single, "Double Up," hits the radio -- to retire from the music biz and walk with God.

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I don't wanna be around when Shoshana Lonstein finds out about this

Remember the Bro and the Mansiere from "Seinfeld"? Well, it looks like Jerry's pals may have been onto something.

Or so Elle Macpherson hopes. The Australian supermodel-turned-lingerie-peddler is designing a line of men's undies modeled on women's intimates. "I have always said that you can take the principles of women's lingerie and incorporate them into men's underwear," Macpherson said, as she always has, Thursday at the launch of her Spring/Summer collection for 1999 and 2000 in Sydney.

The ex-Victoria's Secret model's male underwear comes in what the company describes as "sexy clean shapes" and in colors like peacock blue, hot pink, black, muted purple and sage. What's next, a bikini-sporting Brady Anderson on the cover of a Sports Illustrated for Women swimsuit issue?

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The pitfalls of bangers and mash

"Why are we not producing British talent to stand alongside the greats like Margot Fonteyn? The shape of the British body is to blame ... An English dancer with a stocky body, not such good feet and broader shoulders can do all the steps, but the aesthetic look is not as pleasing as an American, a French or even a Russian dancer. They don't have that line of leg and that slimness and elegance ..."

-- Derek Deane, artistic director of the English National Ballet, blaming British ballerinas' "pear-shaped" problems on poor eating habits in London's Sunday Times.

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She doesn't do windows, but her girls do everything else ...

Her crown has slipped, her roses have wilted and her Miss Washington-USA sash doesn't fit anymore. But Rose Marie Williams might still win the talent competition -- if running a lucrative prostitution ring can be considered a talent.

The former beauty pageant winner, now 59, claims the charges filed against her by the King County Prosecutor's Office Wednesday -- one count of prostitution, one of second-degree promoting prostitution and two of money laundering -- are false. But prosecutors point to a string of satisfied customers and the thousands of dollars she's racked up and stowed in the bank, the Corvette she drives and the marvelous Jacuzzi she's had installed in one of her two marvelous homes -- all while claiming to have made less than $10,000 on her tax returns.

"I don't even know what money laundering is," a teary Williams told the Seattle Times. "I'm going to go to court and tell my side of it, and hope the jury will believe me ... I would never permit illegal activity in my home." The tarnished beauty queen says she earned the lucre primarily by offering massages and cleaning houses for 10 years. Now why didn't Heidi Fleiss think of that?

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And you thought Jenny Jones was in a rough spot ...

Jerry Springer, who once wrote a check for prostitutional services rendered while serving as vice-mayor of Cincinnati (or was that mayor of vice?) may soon find himself back on the hurtin' side of the law. The sleazy talk-show host, who has promoted more fights than Don King, is being targeted by a Chicago City Council member for his lax attitude toward on-air violence.

Alderman Edward Burke, a former police officer, is peeved that the off-duty Chicago cops who separate scuffling Springer guests aren't making any on-set arrests and called Wednesday for these Jerry henchmen to appear before the council's Police and Fire Committee.

"If they are committing batteries, assaults and other offenses," Burke bitches, "then why isn't the police department taking appropriate action?"

Superb point, Alderman Burke. Then the arrests could be as false as the fights.
salon.com | April 26, 1999

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