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June 12, 1999 |
The birthday beast was the world's largest croc, Yai, who Thursday turned 27. Yai measures 20 feet in length and weighs a ton-and-a-quarter. He's a big boy and by all accounts reveled in the festivities, which were attended by "monkeys, macaws and hundreds of tourists," all of whom, with the possible exception of the monkeys and macaws, sang "Happy Birthday" to the humongous reptile. Yai's gift basket included "chickens, ducks, beef, pork, sharks and other fish," but no petit fours. The brave soul who held the cake as Ole' Dragon Breath extinguished the candles was not named in the reports. To cap the celebration, elephants, monkeys, chimpanzees, orangutans, golden pythons and macaws paraded past the Great Jawed One's pen with a banner wishing him a happy birthday (nice, huh?). To which I add a hearty "Here, here!" Speaking of which, can you make that infernal ticking go away? Douglas Cruickshank Douglas Cruickshank's Rogues' Gallery appears every Thursday. The Raw and the Cooked appears every Saturday.
OK -- you've been so patient -- here are the contest details. The prize is an authentic, official, handsome, clean, new and two-color Salon T-shirt, which will be mailed (first class) to the lucky winner (of which there will be only one). Rules? There are no rules. All's fair and anyone can enter except employees of Salon who can easily acquire their own T-shirt by grabbing one out of the storage room when no one's looking. The winner will be the first person (monkey or macaw) to correctly state the origin of the phrase "David's sow" (as it relates to inebriation), and then accurately define the following: "three-legged mare," "blind cupid," "beggar's bullets," "beetle-headed," "hum cap," and "rattling mumpers." Finally, suggest what crocodile's birthday might be a euphemism for, if it were a euphemism. Entries should be sent by e-mail directly to me. Anyone who rubs me the wrong way will be disqualified. I'll respond to the winner. If you don't hear back, that means you didn't win. Tough. Live with it. Now, start your search engines, and may the best human, monkey or macaw prevail.
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