"An Australian amateur astronomer," the Sydney Morning Herald reported on Thursday, "has revealed [AN10] as the most deadly known object in outer space." The astronomer, named Frank Zoltowski (of course), spotted the murderous mega-boulder rocketing toward Earth while "searching the sky last week with his $7,200, 30-centimetre diameter telescope from his front yard at Woomera, South Australia." Bummer, huh?

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The good news is that this Grenade of the Gods is 160 million kilometers away, and come to find out is not exactly zooming at the planet, but leisurely cruising toward its target at a glacial 45 kilometers per second. At that slothful pace it won't arrive until 2027, and by then, frankly, many of us may be looking for something fast and final to put us out of our misery, because we're going to be damn sick and tired of the Clan of the Cave Bear lifestyle we've had to adopt for two and half decades since the Y2K bug brought an end to civilization as we knew it, including all Pottery Barn stores, the entire north wing of Aaron Spelling's mansion and several of the Queen's best corgis.

Not known as alarmists, the self-effacingly named Minor Planet Center in the U.S. "has posted it on its Internet home page as a new threat to the world," the Sydney newspaper stated. What's more, the "astronomer ... and member of NASA's committee assessing the danger of near-Earth objects, Mr. Ken Russell, said, 'This is the first known object which is on a potential collision course with Earth which is large enough to cause a disaster on a global scale.'" (Stop that infernal whimpering, I warned you it was bad.) "If AN10 hit," Russell said, merrily, "it would lift enough dirt into the atmosphere to cause an impact winter." He then let out an eerie chuckle, threw on a parka and excused himself to go purchase a new vacuum cleaner.

Meanwhile, Zoltowski, the amateur astronomer and troublemaker who, along with his fancy-schmancy telescope, we can thank for igniting this interstellar hysteria, offered these words of comfort: "Someday, somewhere, something is going to hit. It is just the environment of the solar system." Gee, Frank, that really makes us all feel so much better. And the Morning Herald's article also sounded a reassuring final note: "Even if it does pass Earth [in 2027] ... The object will return in 2038 and will be even more of a threat." At which point, Mr. Russell popped back in, all ruddy cheeked and panting, with this bright idea: "It's small enough that we could probably divert it from impact if we wanted to." Right-o, Kenny, and I'm the Queen of Romania and Bruce Willis is my king.

And what does he mean by "if we wanted to"?

So, is there any upside to AN10? Sure: You 20-year-olds don't have to worry about investing in IRAs. Go ahead and spend it all on chartreuse sweaters, Jivaro Indian haircuts and Granny Clampett footwear.

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