King Kaufman's Sports Daily
Abreu wins the Home Run Derby, has two birthdays while doing so. Plus: BCS shocker -- a good idea. And: Terry Bowden rips the NCAA on black coaches.
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July 12, 2005 | The biggest question at the All-Star Home Run Derby Monday night in Detroit was answered before the first batting-practice pitch was thrown, and the answer was "Yes."
The question was "Is Mike Piazza playing air guitar onstage with some generic alternaclone rock band a new low in baseball-related entertainment, lower even than 'Ed,' that movie with Matt LeBlanc and an animatronic chimp?"
The answer was yes.
Another, lesser question was "Is it possible to play air guitar badly?" Also yes.
The band was Alter Bridge, which is evidently Creed with a different singer, but every bit as dull. Chris Berman made sure to tell the crowd that Alter Bridge is a local band, from Detroit, everybody. And the crowd responded to his exhortations by greeting the end of Alter Bridge's seemingly endless song with pin-drop, cricket-chirp silence. Berman begged them one last time and they gave a halfhearted cheer.
Good people, those Detroiters.
Nobody asked me but if baseball wanted a Detroit band I'd have voted for the Twistin' Tarantulas.
"There's nothing better than a home run contest," Joe Morgan told Berman, indicating that Morgan needs to get out more. Berman said, "Back back back back back back back" or maybe invoked some other artifact from his tired, shoot-your-television shtick. It's hard to take notes when you're reloading.
Yet another question became apparent as Bobby Abreu carefully chose his pitches and hit 24 homers as the first contestant -- a new record for most home runs in a single round! I didn't see Babe Ruth hit 60 but I saw this! Wow!
The question was: Is there anything more boring than a home run contest?
And the answer was yes. Alter Bridge.
Eventually, three hours and two naps (for me) later, Abreu won the derby by beating hometown entry Ivan Rodriguez in the final round. The other entrants included David Ortiz, Andruw Jones and Frank "Home Run" Baker, who was still alive when the contest began.
On the night, Abreu hit 1,863,247 home runs on just 1,863,277 swings.
ESPN, indulging in a bout of wild optimism, slotted the three and a half hour event into a two-hour space, only missing by 75 percent, the equivalent of shooting a free throw over the backboard and into the third row. As the scheduled program ended, the first -- of three -- rounds was ending. A classic bait-and-switch.
Incredibly, there was a worse way to watch the Home Run Derby than on ESPN. People in Comerica Park had to listen to the running public-address commentary of Mike Tirico, the 21st century version of Chris Berman. You can shoot your TV, but no firearms allowed in the ballpark.
Next page: Stop the presses! The BCS has done something right! Plus: Terry Bowden on black coaches