Oy, so dull, this first round of the playoffs. And they never play! It takes them forever to get through these rinky-dink five-game series of the first round, most of which are as close to a foregone conclusion as it's possible to get in major American professional sports.

Did you get excited when the Indiana Pacers, the No. 8 seed in the East, beat the Philadelphia 76ers, the top seed, in the opening game of their series this weekend? So did I. It was a great finish, with Reggie Miller's off-balance 3-pointer winning the game. But are the Pacers going to beat the 76ers two more times? Well, hey, maybe. And when I say maybe what I mean is: no.

The first round of the playoffs consists of the eighth seed in each conference playing the first, the seventh playing the second and so on. They've been following this format for 17 years. Thirty-four times a No. 8 seed has lined up against a No. 1. Two of them have won, the 1994 Denver Nuggets over Seattle and the '99 New York Knicks over Miami. That's a winning percentage of .059. The worst team in NBA history, the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers, won almost twice as often. They went 9-73, a winning percentage of .109.

The seventh seeds are 4-30 against the second seeds, for a winning percentage of .118. Sixth seeds are 9-25 against No. 3s, a .265 clip. As in Clippers. Oh, wait, the Clippers played .378 basketball this year, easily surpassing the historical record of No. 6 teams. The only teams that failed to play .265 ball were the Wizards, Warriors and Bulls. Heady company.

In short, there are few things in sports where the result is less of a mystery than the first round of the NBA playoffs, with the exception of the usually evenly matched No. 4 vs. No. 5 series, which the fifth seeds have won 20 out of 34 times (.588).

And it takes them two weeks to slog through this crap! The Sacramento-Phoenix series, if it goes the five-game distance, will take 16 days (16 days!) to play. Here's the schedule for the first three games: Game 1, four off days, Game 2, four off days, Game 3. Why they're making the Knicks and Toronto Raptors and the Dallas Mavericks and Utah Jazz race through a five-game schedule in only 13 days is beyond me. The pace, my God, it's inhuman.

Sure, the idea is to stretch these things out to get more games on the weekends, for the benefit of TV. But might the ratings not improve if the playoffs actually created some excitement among people other than hardcore hoops fans? The way to do that? Ask the folks at the NCAA Tournament: Play every other day. Create some buzz, bubbies.

I think the NBA should drop the bottom two teams in each conference from the playoffs anyway, but as long as there have to be eight, let's let 'em play. At least we can get through this first round in nine days, and get on to a round where the outcome is a little more in doubt.

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