On bended knee

Pro-marriage revivalists praise matrimony as the way and the light. But are they bowing to a false god?

By Heather Havrilesky

June 24, 2002 | A marriage revival is sweeping the nation. With a host of new converts from actresses to sociologists touting matrimony as the one true path, marriage has shifted from a much-maligned, antiquated institution to an honorable, courageous endeavor, one that is said to ensure the health and happiness not just of our children, but of our country. As President George W. Bush and a gaggle of pro-family groups paint matrimony as the cornerstone on which America was built, marriage experts roam the country in ever-increasing numbers, proselytizing to all who'll listen on the pressing importance of upholding our duties as citizens by keeping our marriages strong.

These impassioned sermons spill into bestselling books that crowd the shelves at Barnes & Noble, while those few books for singles are primarily concerned with how to find someone to marry, real quick-like. Young people seem to want the traditional package again -- white dress, big wedding, extravagant honeymoon -- less a vote of confidence in the institution, perhaps, than a reflection of our love of spectacle as a celebrity-obsessed culture. Meanwhile, married couples -- from rock stars to next door neighbors to guests on Oprah -- bray endlessly about how they're willing to work hard to keep their marriages strong, the way people used to brag about being able to eat off their kitchen floors.

With everyone from Dan Quayle to Ozzy Osbourne embracing marriage with a conviction that borders on hysteria (and Quayle complimenting Osbourne on his parenting skills), one has to wonder: Why must we all live in pairs, under a legally binding contract? What horrendous fate befalls those of us who sally forth without a ring? Is marriage really the bedrock of our culture, or are we leaning too hard on a social construct that is fragile at best, given that it depends on the ability of two individuals to play nice for the rest of their lives?

Not only can't Uncle Sam and his badly behaved kids keep their sticky fingers out of the matrimonial pie, they want to tell us what kind of pie we should be baking in the first place. In May, the Alliance for Marriage introduced the Federal Marriage Amendment to Congress, to "send a positive message to our children about marriage, family, and their future" -- that positive message being that gay couples shouldn't be allowed to marry. The amendment states that "Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman."

Matt Daniels, executive director of the Alliance for Marriage, explained his organization's stance: "Gays and lesbians have a right to live as they choose. But they don't have a right to redefine marriage for our entire society." In other words, if gay couples were allowed to marry, they would forcibly alter the sacred institution of marriage, damaging it beyond repair, so that other couples -- nice, normal, straight couples -- couldn't use it anymore.

If the sacred union of a man and a woman happens to involve a single mother on government assistance, best wishes flow from the public and private sectors. Not only do these marriages make our country strong, they boost the federal budget, or so goes the reasoning behind President Bush's recent welfare reforms that include $300 million for programs that promote marriage among single welfare mothers.

"Stable families should be the central goal of American welfare policy," Bush said in February. "Building and preserving families are not always possible -- I recognize that -- but they should always be our goal."

Inherent in this stated goal is the less lofty aim of cutting welfare costs by marrying off women who need government support. Unfortunately, the other program designed to remove women from welfare rolls -- the Welfare to Work program -- appears to be driving women away from the altar. Recent studies show that women who participate in the program are less likely to marry than women in traditional welfare programs. Apparently Bush's two plans to reduce support for poor single women just can't get along.

Next page: "Even when a short marriage ends it feels like an amputation has occurred"