I do -- kind of

And now we have the "I do" feminists, a term coined by New York Observer writer Alexandra Jacobs in her profile of Jaclyn Geller, author of "Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique," a scathing (and shrill) indictment of the $70 billion-dollar wedding industry and the women who choose to patronize it. Jacobs sees the "I do" feminist as the ultimate, "perhaps even more troubling" incarnation of the "do me" feminist. Do-me feminism -- as defined by Jacobs -- is "a sort of take back the make-up movement that proclaimed: Why not milk the beauty myth for all it's worth and land a man in the process?"

Strangely enough, Geller, by the looks of it, is pretty much a do-me feminist herself: In her book she defends the beauty myth. ("Since good make-up and skin care products can dramatically improve an individual's appearance, women who purchase beauty products with the desire to look their best seem to me to be behaving quite reasonably, rather than acting the part of self-hating brainwashed victims.") She also puts in a good word for pornography: "I have likewise always believed that pornography exists to offer an enjoyable sexual outlet to men and women who like it."

(When Jacobs arrives at Geller's apartment, she finds Geller dressed to prowl in "a sleeveless black turtleneck, black pants, black slides, silver hoop earrings, blusher, lipstick and a generous spritzing of Elizabeth Arden Red Door perfume." Over dinner, Geller coos over the cute waiter, retreats to the restroom to reapply her perfume and confesses that she is dating a cop: "We met in a bar; we went home and fucked and I didn't think he'd call, but he did and it's been great.")

Despite the fact that do-me feminism, a sort of reclaim-the-slut offshoot of third-wave feminists, was received with horror by many (though certainly not all) second-wave feminist mothers, Geller has no problem with outright condemnation of I-do feminists -- including Mama Steinem. Geller (who prefers to refer to herself as a "spinster by choice") rejects the new feminist rhetoric that proclaims that "all choices are 'valid' merely because sane individuals make them." To Geller, marriage -- which in its historical form represents nothing more than economic and social slavery for women, and in its current form privileges "amorous heterosexual relationships" above being single, being gay or being just good friends -- is simply "unacceptable."

She mostly glosses over the fact that more and more gays and lesbians are embracing the institution -- taking advantage of legal domestic partnerships, registering at Bloomingdale's and holding lavish ceremonies. In her book Geller writes: "We must stop repeating the absurd mantra 'It's OK to be single,' and adopt the more aggressive stance 'It's not OK to be married.'"

Geller's book focuses almost exclusively on the commercial and historical underpinnings of the traditional white wedding: Her "investigative" reporting takes her to the Bloomingdale's marriage registry, where she is shocked and appalled to find that, were she a bride, she could get some really great china. ("I have good taste too," she mourns, and wishes that the custom of giving household goods were reserved for a woman's 25th birthday rather than her walk down the aisle.)

She pores over the most traditional wedding manuals (from Emily Post to "What the Hell Is a Groom and What's He Supposed to Do") and bridal magazines, and describes, over and over again, the most lavish celebrity weddings published in InStyle and People magazines. (If you want to know exactly what Barbra Streisand, Diane von Furstenburg, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Aniston and dozens of other celebrities and socialites wore at their weddings and exactly how much the galas cost, read this book.)

Geller is absolutely correct in pointing out that there are some absurdly opulent weddings going on out there, and she's not the first person to cite Manhattan's supposed wedding fever. But what gets lost here is the fact that fewer people than ever before are choosing to marry: Recent census figures show the lowest number of married people on record since 1945. The age of men and women at their first marriage is rising, and Manhattan (which, in typical myopic Manhattanite fashion, is Geller's almost exclusive purview, with the exception of the odd California celebrity weddings in popular magazines) has the highest number of singles per capita in the entire United States.

What's more, one wonders if any of Geller's women -- mostly Hollyood stars and royalty -- would particularly care that they are not being good feminist role models for ordinary women. It may be that more and more successful career women are embracing lavish weddings, but that hardly comes as a shock. Being a successful career woman may make one a byproduct of the feminist movement, but it can also make one rich. And rich people do tend to spend lavishly. Hollywood stars probably spend more on their annual birthday parties than the average working- to middle-class woman in the Midwest spends on her wedding.

And when was the last time anyone declared Aniston to be a feminist role model? How many women's studies majors read People magazine to find out where to get a gown just like Jenn's?

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