My father is an immigrant who didn't finish high school until he was in his 60s. As a young man he built a business and married a woman with a prominent Jewish last name and a master's degree in education. Then he did the only thing that made sense at the time -- worked his ass off and left the child rearing to his wife. He did what was expected of him, not knowing that by working to make our lives better, he'd lost his chance to be a part of them.

My life is different. My father worked hard so I didn't have to, and believe me, I didn't. This pampered childhood led to a lazy adulthood and an antipathy for authority figures that plagued me through my 20s and most of my 30s. Then I got lucky and found a woman who not only put up with my bullshit but found it amusing.

Then, on or about June 29, 1994, my wife went back to work and agreed to leave me alone with our 3-month-old daughter -- my own little independence day. I got to shitcan my lousy job and turn to a career with a future. I had finally found my calling -- as a dad.

But what does that mean anymore, anyway? Who's my role model? Hugh Beaumont? Robert Young? Neil Young? Full-time fathers are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. We're there on the playground (at least I am), but the gaggle of women deconstructing mommy minutiae over by the swing set doesn't know what to do with me/us, so they do nothing.

How stupid is this? I'm there, obviously an enlightened penis bearer, a veritable fountain of male perspective, and I'm a one-man no-fly zone. I know what they're thinking: Either I'm unemployed, which renders me pathetic, or I chose to stay home, which renders me threatening. And if they let me into the conversation coven they won't feel free to bitch about cracked nipples and how their husbands won't go down on them anymore.

It's like some painful junior high school dance -- except I'm on the boys' side of the gym all by myself. I've made lame attempts to infiltrate their ranks, but I don't need to relive that kind of awkwardness. (To be fair, in one-on-one situations most women get positively giddy when they hear that I stay home, and making women giddy is damn good fun.)

Order "Mothers Who Think: Tales of Real-Life Parenthood" from the editors of Mothers Who Think.