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I'm learning. The best thing is to cower during your first turn, while you wait to see where other alliances have formed. Don't attack too soon. And certainly don't tattle -- it's widely considered to be the worst offense. You'll cost your opponents points if they're caught grabbing, scratching or teasing and, just like in the real world, those who you've ratted out will turn on you.

Also Today Sissyfighter Meet Eric Zimmerman, the brains behind the Net's nastiest little game. By Russ Spencer

I used to start by encouraging the other girls to beat up on someone -- "She smells! She was mean to me!" -- but it works better to stay quiet and see which way the tide turns. (A strategy I never learned when I was a real schoolgirl.) I've had to resist the urge to make fun of the other players' grammar and I've had to scale down my vocabulary. Again, these are skills I could have used in third grade: I once used the word "unfortunately" in the course of delivering an insult to Ronnie Sullivan, and was castigated for months. (I make a much better adult; trouble is, I did when I was 8, too.)

To win Sissyfight, you must learn to conform. Rob had to change his name from "Sissyclit" to "Big Grrl" because he was teased so much. (Those names aren't unusual; yesterday I was on with a "Cuntilla".) Rob's mohawk and green skin didn't help, either. "I was called a slut and they made fun of my hairdo," he told me. He changed his look and now he's winning on a regular basis.

My name is "Sweetrosy" and I have pale skin and red pigtails. I always say, "Hi, girls," when I come into a playground and I always compliment the winners, even if I think they're lame. I cherish my alliances as if they're real friendships -- even though I know that "Peri" or "Lynette" could easily turn on me in the next round.

Just like in real life.

In real life, the childhood me had the wrong look: wrong hair, wrong body, wrong tone of voice, wrong everything. It wasn't tragic -- it wasn't like I didn't have any friends -- but I was never popular. I was a geek. A creative geek, but a geek all the same. When I ran for class secretary in the sixth grade, I walked around with a stuffed Woodstock taped to my shoulder, because it fit in with my Peanuts campaign theme.

I lost the election.

If I did the equivalent of taping a stuffed Woodstock to my shoulder on Sissyfight, I'd be teased off the screen. So I don't. And I'm winning.

When I told my mom about Sissyfight, we tried to decide just what makes a girl popular. It's not just looks. I recalled a girl named Carmen, with frizzy hair, a pig face and a big butt, who always hung out with the cheerleaders in high school. "And remember Sue Anne, your sister's friend, the one who was really popular?" my mom asked. "She always smelled."

But Sue Anne was comfortable with herself, my mother and I decided. And so was Carmen. (Or maybe she was sneaking vodka from her parents' liquor cabinet for the other girls.) And now, years later, so am I.

But I sure do enjoy a good round of Sissyfight.
salon.com | April 27, 2000

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