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Watching one's spouse leave the closet can be painful viewing. It can be hard to dwell -- with kindness and political correctness -- on the happiness you might feel for a loved one who is finally acting on his or her desires. Immediately after our separation my husband began dating and informed me that it "felt right." He reveled in his new life -- accessorized by a new car, a gym membership, a new circle of supportive companions and a lover.

I have become his 10-year mistake, someone who pesters him for answers he doesn't want to provide. I'm told to "move on" because he has. But his journey is new, one in which he is finally realizing his true being. My journey is more of a static exercise -- I've pulled emotional K.P. I try to fathom the deceit of a lot of years while caring for two young daughters who are confused and devastated by the breakup of their family. They know only that Daddy couldn't love Mommy the way she needed to be loved, but still refer to that empty spot on my bed as "Daddy's side."

Of course, not all of the suddenly single spouses are women. And not all of the marriages end. Some couples try to muddle through. Buxton's research indicates that while only a minority of unions last more than three years after a spouse comes out of the closet, some do endure. Most of the known marriages that last involve bisexual husbands.

Sarah and Don (not their real names) have been married for 30 years, and for the past six she has known of his same-sex yearnings. While Don professes his love for Sarah and his desire to keep the marriage intact, she experienced all the stages of grieving before agreeing to a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. They have a committed relationship in which there is an unspoken agreement that he will periodically have homosexual liaisons. It is not perfect, she admits, but neither she nor her husband could endure the alternative of ending the marriage.

The question that plagues us -- straight and gay -- is why we get married in the first place. Buxton, despite her years of research, has nothing to reveal except what we mostly already know: The vast majority of gay men and women who married straight partners truly loved them, wanted children and felt enormous pressure to conform to the cultural standard. Many believed that being safely ensconced in a heterosexual union would somehow quiet their same-sex longings.

But those of us who are left behind find it difficult, if not impossible, to integrate this cold logic into our disrupted lives. We are, so often, the last to know and the first to be vilified. We feel chosen and sacrificed by our spouses to resolve their inner conflicts. Our trust evaporates; our hearts are broken.

Several gay rights organizations are sponsoring a Millennium March in Washington this weekend. A contingent of straight spouses will be present to demonstrate that we do exist. It will be one of the first acts of public unity by the former and current partners of many who march. You could say that we are coming out of the closet. At last.
salon.com | April 26, 2000

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