I had high hopes that things might get better when my friends and I moved into our late 40s and 50s. But they didn't. If anything, they got worse. Now it seems that the mothers I know have forgotten to have lives of their own, and are only too grateful to put on and wear the lives of their adult children.

Kaye was my closest friend from the time I was 25 until I was nearly 40 years old. We went out drinking together, we took hikes and vacations together and we hung out at each other's homes, sometimes for whole weekends at a time.

Then, when she was 42, Kaye met a man seven years younger, married him and had two children within two years. And after that, I lost Kaye. This friend of the bosom turned into a Stepford mom. Overnight, she only talked about her children. She had no interest in me or my life whatsoever, and she also disconnected from her own life. The only lives that mattered were those of her children. I moved away two years after her last child was born; we have spoken only once in the past 10 years.

Which brings me to the rules:

If you want to talk about your kids around me, in the interest of fair play, I'll be happy to give you 15 minutes. But after that, I want to know about you. And I want you to be interested in me. Forget about Buddy's new job at the gym and Kimmy's new cat. I'd rather know what you are doing, how you are feeling, what things you are learning.

For all of you mothers out there who swear you never do this, here are some typical behaviors of mothers who don't think. Are you guilty of any of the following?

1. Condescension. Have you ever told a childless friend that she couldn't possibly know what you are going through or that she doesn't know what she is talking about, because she never had children? That she will "change her mind" once she has kids? Have you ever remarked that you feel sorry for her because she "doesn't know what she is missing"? Do you feel that you are somehow finer, more evolved, and your life is more meaningful than hers, because you have reproduced? Well, can the condescension. She is still your friend and her life is equally relevant.

2. Assuming the worst. Do you assume your childless friend doesn't like kids and that must be the only reason she doesn't have them? Do you use this as a reason to silently disapprove of her?

3. Not being there. Are you consistently unavailable to do things or make plans because one of your "kids" (even if he or she is 36) might need you?

4. Not showing up. Are you unreliable? Do you change dates, drop out of events, back out of a get-together because of a mild case of kid sniffles or a grown daughter whining about her boyfriend (again)? Big emergencies are understandable. But being a mom does not automatically give you carte blanche to ditch your other obligations.

5. Projection. Most important of all, do you truly believe your friends (parents and nonparents alike) are as fascinated by your children as you are? As charming as this is, it's also naive. Don't project your endless interest in your own offspring onto others. Unless we are your kids' godparents or see them on a daily basis, believe me, more than a couple of minutes of kid talk is a yawn.

A prerequisite for mothers who think is that they think about things beyond their own motherhood.

Order "Mothers Who Think: Tales of Real-Life Parenthood" from the editors of Mothers Who Think.