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Most of the nannies and housekeepers who sustain family life in New York come from impoverished countries or disadvantaged backgrounds. As part of WNYC's on-going work and family series,"The Juggling Act," Commentator Cecelie Berry reflects on her relationships with these women and finds that there is power in getting over the guilt.

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Mrs. Satterfield was our housekeeper when I was growing up. She was black and from Mississippi. I was eight years old when she caught me daydreaming over multiplication tables. I had readied myself for a talking-to when she leaned her gray head next to mine. "How do you do that?" she whispered.

I knew then that what I was often told was true: I was a very lucky black girl.

Carrying that knowledge, and the accompanying guilt, I wasn't much good at playing "Miss Ann." As a young lawyer, I didn't do the hiring, so like many women, I first became an employer when I hired a nanny. The nannies I hired came from Panama, Jamaica, Israel, Sweden, France, England, Ghana and the United States. Though the cultures changed, the tactics of the power struggle between mother and nanny remained the same. The motherlode of guilt I carried from childhood made me -- "How you say?" -- dead meat every time.

To topple me from my high horse, some nannies allowed me no privacy. After the birth of my second child, my Panamanian nanny let my two-year-old son enter the bathroom when I was showering. After an appraisive glance, she later remarked on how some women's body's just "fall apart" after childbirth.

Failing to sow the seeds of personal insecurity, some try to engineer marital discord. One American nanny asked, "Did your husband give you something nice for Valentine's Day?" At that moment, my mouth was filled with chocolates, so I offered her one. Not satisfied, she continued, "Did he give you some new jewelry when the baby was born?"

Another power play occurs when the nanny adopts a "What-have-you-done-for-me-lately?" attitude. Whatever it is, it's not enough. Georgette was from Ghana, and one day she asked if I still had a recent New York Times. There was an article about her country and she wanted to read it. I explained that I had already taken the recycling to the curb. She seemed angry and I felt bad. So the next time I saw an article about Ghana, I put it on the refrigerator, where it hung for several days untouched. She never mentioned it.

Not every nanny is a sinister Mrs. Danvers, but they are rarely the kindly, simple souls that we pretend. In our homes, they attain a degree of power that few have in their own lives; we offer them a unique opportunity to inflict the same systematic devaluation they themselves have suffered. Often I overheard my Swedish au pair tell my children, "Mommy's too busy for you." I made excuses for her, but one day, I realized there was no excuse. My guilt finally flew right out the window.

I've been an at-home mother for six years now. While I'll never forget Mrs. Satterfield's hopeless shrug seconds after I attempted to explain multiplication to her, now this memory challenges me to take control of my children's wellbeing. Perhaps the greatest power parents have is the power to protect our children from those who are embittered or indifferent. It is one that -- for the short time that we have it -- we should exercise liberally.

Juggling Act main page | Talk to Cecelie | Listen

(You need RealPlayer7 to listen to this commentary. Click here to download it free.)

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