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Recently in Salon Mothers Who Think

She jokes, he sulks
Kids! Cut the posturing and hostility!

[11/29/99]

Close the door on open marriage
Read our lips, say readers: Open marriages don't work.

[11/29/99]

On being Ken
I play him nice, but stupid.
By Tim Cornwell
[11/23/99]

To the diaper man, with love
Hamish was there for the thrills and the spills, a devoted d-man until the end.
By Carol Hall
[11/22/99]

Cult of the cloth
I thought I could quit any time, but the ladies of the Diapering Board had me in their thrall.
By Lisa Moricoli Latham
[11/22/99]

Complete archives for Mothers Who Think

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Till death do us part Is it a promise of love or a life sentence? Our readers weigh in with advice. Doomed Marriage 1 Can cheaters be choosers? Solutions Read our lips, say readers: Open marriages don't work. Doomed Marriage 2 A joke in Ireland sends this marriage straight to hell. Solutions Kids! Cut the posturing and hostility! Whither marriage? Read all the articles

The writer thought only women were supposed to get fat? Is this supposed to tell me something about her looks? If the writer is a good-looking, energetic, efficient woman with a great sense of humor, I wonder how her husband had a chance to let himself go the way she suggests he did.

And what sensible woman with a shred of self-respect would let a slob of a man like she describes get near her, let alone stay in her house? What woman would want to live in a bleak house with a bleak man with nothing but a bleak future?

I think this woman needs to look at herself first. If she needs some shaping up, she needs to do it right now. If her couch potato man is not challenged by her changed behavior, her changed looks and by her expressed expectations of the future, he needs to be carted out with couch and all.

Also, it's time to let some light into that bleak existence. We're only here once. When that old saggy couch is out, pull out that lousy carpet, steam off the old wallpaper, tear down those dingy drapes. Change from watching daytime soaps to watching a home decorating show and create a light and livable home.

-- Judith van Praag

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Ouch! You say in the end, "These memories begin to fade by the minute." It sounds like your minute was up long ago.

My question: Why all the pent-up frustration now? He did not wake up one morning with his fat ass on the couch watching reruns of Rocky and Bullwinkle while eating a breakfast burrito, nor was his fraternity-house humor hatched overnight. And as far as sex goes, it takes two to tango. So how did we get from point A to point B so quickly?

Marriage, like child rearing, is one of those strange space-and-time things; you do, literally, wake up one morning and wonder where the years have gone. You look in the mirror at your own face, wonder where the lines have come from, the drooping jowls, the sagging around the middle. It is twice as hard to figure with somebody you look at day after day after day. One morning, you can look over and truly not recognize the person snoring and drooling next to you. Why?

It might be that we just take too many things for granted. It seems as if marriage is the culmination of a phase of life; the rest is all downhill (literally and figuratively). Sure, we age, we get set in our ways, we lose perspective. Why? Lack of attention. Marriage, at best, is a shitty job. At worst, well, it's worse. Little things, daily things, are what a shared life is about. Otherwise, just get a roommate and run a credit check.

The man you describe did not magically wake up on your couch after a long night at the frat house. You had a hand in creating him. You should assess the situation and see what you can salvage. The person you fell in love with might just be somewhere under the couch cushion.

-- J.E. Hickey

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Find a close male friend to spend time with. This will prevent you from becoming too cynical about the entire male population and act as a wake-up call for your husband, who will invariably become jealous, even of your platonic intimacy with another man.

-- Stephanie in San Francisco

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Buy him flowers! Take him out to dinner! It's not only his job to keep the marriage exciting. Take action!

-- Sara Kingsley from Seattle
salon.com | Nov. 29, 1999

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