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Recently in Salon Mothers Who Think

Buy flowers! Buy new drapes!
A touch of consumerism and a lot of realism will make this one work.

[11/29/99]

She jokes, he sulks
Kids! Cut the posturing and hostility!

[11/29/99]

Close the door on open marriage
Read our lips, say readers: Open marriages don't work.

[11/29/99]

On being Ken
I play him nice, but stupid.
By Tim Cornwell
[11/23/99]

To the diaper man, with love
Hamish was there for the thrills and the spills, a devoted d-man until the end.
By Carol Hall
[11/22/99]

Complete archives for Mothers Who Think

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Doomed Marriage 1 Can cheaters be choosers? Solutions Read our lips, say readers: Open marriages don't work. Doomed Marriage 2 A joke in Ireland sends this marriage straight to hell. Solutions Kids! Cut the posturing and hostility! Doomed Marriage 3 Can your marriage survive when you can't stand the sight of his ever-widening butt lying on the couch? Solutions Buy flowers! Buy new drapes! Whither marriage? Read all the articles

Now, every bad marriage is sad, and we heard about a lot of them. Some were so ugly and so hurtful that the only advice was to run for the hills (and therapy). But many crummy relationships, crippled by stubbornness, selfishness or other deeply unattractive behavior, invited exhaustive advice. And we got it; lots and lots of it.

Today we print the best advice we received, a sampling of heartfelt diatribes and pearls of wisdom from mouse pad marriage counselors everywhere. As you may recall, our trio of lousy marriages involved a cheater, a sulker and a fatty. Each union had begun in love but had become mired in serious hostility, not to mention poor hygiene. All were in need of major overhauls, but most of our readers agreed that divorce was not yet necessary. More often than not we heard "Get thee to a marriage counselor." One reader even suggested mailing an anonymous $500 gift certificate for therapy to each partner.

Tough love also made a showing. "Your first job," wrote one reader, "is to fully embrace the stupidity of the choices you have made." Short, sharp shocks of advice were typical for the young couple who seemed unable to stop their experiment with open marriage, even after the birth of their daughter. "Grow up -- before your daughter does," fumed one reader. Another wrote: "Solution to the 'open marriage' couple: One word -- threesomes."

Readers seemed compelled to blame either the husband or the wife in our second featured marriage, which involved the joker and the sulker. In the end, they had almost equal support. One particularly emotional reader ruled in favor of the husband, writing, "I know about 10 single women who will treat you like gold, so DUMP HER."

And, finally, there was marriage No. 3, a horror show described with hard-hitting economy by an anonymous wife. The solutions to this grotesque also were brief. The most creative focused on grammar. "His ever widening butt 'laying' on the couch should have been 'lying,'" said this reader. "Advice to this irritated wife: Become an ace grammarian, and you'll nab some great wordsmith who will shower you with romantic mots d'amour."

Which reminds us. We wish to shower you with romantic mots of thanks for your participation in this extravaganza. Clearly, ours is a healthy relationship unbowed by the stresses and strains of life in close proximity.

Write again soon; we will.
salon.com | Nov. 29, 1999

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