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- - - - - - - - - - T A B L E++T A L K Private vs. public schools: Debate whether where you send your kids makes a difference over the long haul in the Mothers area of Table Talk - - - - - - - - - - R E C E N T L Y A thigh of relief One step at a time Crossing borders Lusting after "Lolita" Reality bites BROWSE THE MOTHERS WHO THINK FEATURE ARCHIVES - - - - - - - - - - Mamafesto
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GETTING WISE TO "BABYWISE" | PAGE 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Although "Babywise I" and "II" contain little in the way of credible supporting scientific research, the religious versions of GFI's child-care guides use the Bible in order to explain Ezzo's rigid recommendations. Additionally, some of the health-care providers (many of whom are not even pediatricians) who have been willing to offer their public support for "Babywise" attribute at least part of their acclaim for the program to their own spiritual beliefs and the books' religious underpinnings. Ezzo writes that "in Biblical times, a new mother did not lounge around in a bathrobe for weeks on end attempting to establish a bond with her child," and he uses the Christian crucifixion as justification for letting infants cry it out, writing: "Praise God that the Father did not intervene when His Son cried out on the cross." Ezzo explains his support for allowing babies to cry for long stretches by noting that "God is not sitting on His throne waiting to jump at our every cry, trying to prove he loves us." But not every Christian group agrees with Ezzo's belief that there is anything "Christian" about his harsh child-rearing dictates. The California mega-church from which Ezzo launched GFI -- the Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, which has a 10,000-member evangelical Christian congregation -- has now publicly withdrawn support for his programs, citing issues of integrity and theology. Many congregations around the country are reporting painful schisms as Ezzo proponents attempt to force their courses and materials onto parents in the church. Additionally, the most recent issue of the magazine of the Christian Research Institute, a fundamentalist "cult-watch" organization, features a lengthy and meticulously documented cover story titled "More Than Just a Parenting Ministry?" alleging that GFI has consistently exhibited "cultic tendencies," including authoritarianism, isolationism, physical and emotional endangerment and hardball tactics used against naysayers. As one example, GFI parenting classes disallow any debate concerning the course materials. Some parents who have taken the courses say that they were instructed by GFI representatives not to discuss what they learned in class with anyone who has not themselves completed GFI parenting training. GFI's Web site message boards are similarly intolerant of any disagreement. Those who are not deemed to be "like-minded" have had their Web access permanently blocked from what GFI calls its Internet "Family Room." (In my own case, after I requested an interview with the Ezzos and registered to log on to the forum in order to research this article, GFI's Web site forum administrator informed me via e-mail that she had "checked me out" at the request of Anne Marie Ezzo. She wrote that she had made the determination from information found on my family's personal home page that I am "not in agreement with [GFI's] beliefs and so I have denied you access." This is despite the fact that I had never posted or attempted to post to GFI's message boards. The forum administrator further cited privacy concerns. Not surprisingly, I was also denied an interview with the Ezzos.) Dr. Barbara Francis, a well-known Christian licensed marriage and family therapist has written of her own reservations regarding GFI's encouragement of secrecy among supporters. She notes in a recent article for a professional journal that at least one GFI publication she has reviewed advised parents to avoid spanking their children in public, to be careful about neighbors hearing their children's cries in apartment buildings and "to instruct one's children not to tell anyone -- even the child's other parent in a divorce situation -- about occurring chastisement (GFI's euphemism for corporal punishment), due to potential 'misunderstandings.'" Dissenting Christians who have attempted to establish a dialogue with Gary Ezzo have sometimes found themselves on the receiving end of patronizing vitriol. Often, Ezzo declines to correspond with "outsiders" about his views. However, in one Internet chat exchange with Christian mothers who sought clarification of GFI parenting advice, Ezzo wrote that participating in the discussion was like "being in the henhouse at egg-laying time." Ezzo went on to write that, "ladies, I do have other more important activities to fill up my day, than the go nowhere debates with emotionally charged demand feeding mothers talking about demand feeding practices." Outspoken critics of GFI report being investigated, publicly misrepresented and even harassed by the organization. Steve Rein, an assistant professor at a Virginia university, maintains a Web site critiquing GFI materials and an e-mail discussion list for Christian parents, many of whom hold negative views of Ezzo's parenting philosophy. He says that GFI has unsuccessfully pressed for criminal prosecution of his activities and subsequently threatened civil action against his employer and him. He also says that GFI consistently monitors his listserv. "I think that Gary Ezzo really has a sense that they are engaged in some kind of holy war. Sure, he's making money, probably a lot of it, but I think there's more to it," says Rein, who has had to hire an attorney to deal with GFI. After a May 1996 report on religious parenting programs sponsored by the Orange County [California] Child Abuse Prevention Council concluded that GFI's materials contained many disturbing elements that had the potential to lead to child abuse, the council received such a deluge of time-consuming phone calls from GFI supporters that it was forced to ask that its report no longer be made public so that its office could get its work done. While the current director of the council says that she has no reason to believe that the phone calls were orchestrated in any way, she says that they were certainly "overwhelming." Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam have in the past responded to families who report experiencing problems with their child-care guidance by suggesting that the parents in question should have used the ideas in "Babywise" more flexibly and with a dose of common sense. Although the books do sprinkle warnings against "legalism" and in favor of "context" throughout their pages, the overall message remains one of rigid, uncompromising parental authoritarianism toward even the tiniest newborn. GFI's message boards provide insight into how parents, particularly religious users of Ezzo's programs, are applying his ideas to real-life situations in their own homes. In recent months, one anxious mother posted to the boards of allowing her young infant to cry for so long over the course of several weeks that the baby lost his voice and had blood in his throat (GFI quickly removed this mother's post from public view). In another instance, a parent wrote of her frustration with having to spank her unruly toddler (with a flexible instrument, as Ezzo recommends for babies after the second year) so often that welts appeared. Yet another father spoke of leaving his 13-month-old in isolation in her crib off and on for up to four hours in response to her stubborn refusal to use baby sign language to communicate that she was "all done" with her meal. In the case of each of these alarming tales, GFI "contact moms," volunteer laywomen designated by the organization to offer support to other parents in the appropriate use of their programs, actually suggested a stricter adherence to the program and more structure for the children (although it was noted that hitting a child as per Ezzo's instructions should inflict pain without leaving visible marks). "Parenting like this shows very little respect for children," says pediatrician Brazelton. "It's very adultamorphic and not sensitive to the baby. Although parents should gently set limits, punitive discipline for very young children and babies is repressive and can quash exploration and excitement in the first two years of life. It will be interesting to see some follow up on these kids in later years. I suspect that they'll have a lot of inner rebellion." Don and Jeanne Elium, family therapists and authors of the books "Raising a Son," "Raising a Daughter" and the new "Raising a Family: Living on Planet Parenthood" (Celestial Arts), concur with Brazelton that the discipline practices promoted by Ezzo are neither age-appropriate nor effective in the long run. "All isolating a baby or young toddler teaches them is that the world is not a safe place to be in," says Don Elium. "Let a baby be a baby so that she can be an adult when it's time to be an adult." "Leaving a baby alone to cry in order to punish or to train them to sleep can create a sense of rage that comes from abandonment and hopelessness," agrees Jeanne Elium. "These children will probably pay an expensive price in therapy later." Babywise supporter Dr. Carl Hays vehemently disagrees. "If you are sure that a baby has been fed and changed and isn't in distress, there is no harm in leaving them alone to cry," explains Hays. "If you respond too quickly, these babies become trained to expect every need to be gratified. This can, of course, lead to problems for kids down the road." When asked to elaborate on what these problems might be, Hays suggests contacting GFI headquarters for answers. Despite all the controversy and the existence of a number of Web sites devoted to discouraging the use of the "Babywise" program, the books continue to fly off the shelves and pass from parent to parent, leaving observers frustrated. Dr. William Sears, a practicing pediatrician and clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, as well as the bestselling author of more than 20 child-care titles including "The Baby Book," has been one of the most vocal critics of "Babywise." Sears is the leading medical advocate of an increasingly popular style of nurturing called attachment parenting, which represents the antithesis of Ezzo's recommendations. Ezzo takes a dim and even hostile view of attachment parenting, having referred to it as "neoprimitivistic" and redolent of "third world maternal disorder." However, after Theo and Lori Rivas abandoned the "Babywise" approach in favor of the hands-on, relaxed parenting style advocated by Sears, they saw both Daniel and his 3-month-old brother, Michael, thrive. Lori holds and breast-feeds the boys frequently. "People began calling me about the stuff in this book several years ago, but I basically ignored it, thinking that it was so far out that it would just die out. I wish that more of us had spoken out earlier," says Sears, who has in the past referred to "Babywise" as "probably the most dangerous program of teaching about babies and children that I have seen in my 25 years of being a pediatrician.
"A new mother is vulnerable and a new father often wants his wife back
to himself after only a few weeks. This program preys on this and promises
parents that they can train a baby to sleep when parents want to sleep,
fit in to the parents' established lifestyle and not be a bother. I think
that the widespread acceptance of this program represents a sad
commentary on the wisdom and discernment of today's parents."
Katie Allison Granju is the mother of three. Her book on attachment parenting will be published by Pocket Books in 1999.
The Spock Touch More than just a bestselling child-care guru, the late doctor "Spock-marked" a generation with his politics.
Giving the experts the Big Slammu One sleepless mom finds that raising her child by the books is for the birds.
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