NEW YORK -- In the wake of George W. Bush's Bob Jones University controversy, I would like to offer the presidential candidates a list of other schools they might wish to avoid in their campaigns. All of the institutions listed below are in states where the electorate will vote Tuesday. Tune in, turn on, but stay away from these campuses.

California: Nowhere is life's box of chocolates chewier and nuttier than in my native state. While New York boasts myriad splinter groups of nearly every ethnic origin, at least their members are generally of this Earth. The Center for Greater Awareness, headquartered in Ojai, has an intergalactic reach. The school's Web site comprises a series of "global meditations," and finding the center in its physical manifestation may prove difficult.

Check out the video of the woman in white who presumably writes these meditations. Even on a T-1 connection, one look will tell you that this is an institute run by aliens, and I don't mean the illegal type, either. She addresses "the children of Earth" and encourages us to communicate via "the spirit within" with "those of us who have chosen to be on the path of Earth service."

The folks at the Center for Greater Awareness have seen "the blueprint for planet Earth," it seems, and are willing to share a few of the details -- to those willing to ask.

"Think about reaching out for assistance," says the woman in white in a rather disembodied voice. "We are ready, we are available." As wack as she sounds, there are no specifics, no space ships hiding behind comets. And these Earth-service beings are believers in free will, after a fashion. (You chose yours light-years ago, it seems, so stop your whining, Shrub.)

Though Vice President Al Gore was recently voted most likely to be from another planet, a dip into the center's meditations left me thinking that Bill Bradley might benefit most from its programming. In one missive entitled "Giving," Ms. Earth Service 2000 declares, "This is an excellent way of forming thoughts and determining directions and purpose, rather than haphazardly meandering through life."

New York: Hillary and Dubya learned the hard way that New York politics is street-tough, more like ringolevio -- in which real prisoners are captured as in war -- than a game of Hit-the-Penny. (The first lady, you may remember, famously air-kissed Mrs. Arafat after the latter accused Israel of gassing Palestinians, while Bush confused the racist Nation of Islam with Islam itself.) Other candidates might be lulled into thinking a visit to a respected yeshiva such as NYC's Jewish Theological Seminary would be safe. They would be meshuga.

Billing itself as "the academic and theological center of Conservative Judaism worldwide," the school features discussions and lectures on topics such as a woman's place in the brit milah (ritual circumcision). That lecture will take place Monday, the day before the election -- but any candidate caught passing through will suffer the eternal wrath of the vocal anti-circumcision movement. How would you like to go through the primaries with people howling about your foreskin?

Though courses in "Finding Spirituality in Prayer" should be less controversial (especially for "uniters" like Bush), "A Kabbalistic Perspective on the Exodus" could open a can of worms. Best to follow the advice of Rabbi David Saperstein: "Speak little, do much."

And keep it up if you get elected.

Missouri: The "Show Me" state has a few things to show the candidates about taking things at face value. Take the Keeter Center for Character Education in Point Lookout. On the surface, it's all innocence and character building, nothing wrong with that.

But look out indeed, ye men who would be president! According to the school's online tour, you can stroll the grounds and "observe students toiling away at various student industries such as the fruitcake and jelly kitchen."

Well, you don't need John McCain's "gaydar" to figure that one out! Though the school claims it's dedicated to "the development of character and good citizenship," and past visitors have included Colin Powell and W.'s mama, Barbara "Rhymes With Rich" Bush, the Christian school's message may be more insidious than that.

The "Work Ethic" forums, for example, emphasize "the value of honest labor." For a candidate trying to reach out to all branches of the work force, such reliance on outmoded concepts could offend some in the entertainment or technology industries. (Though McCain scored big points with both groups when he was asked by the Associated Press what he would bring to a desert island. While other candidates mentioned books and the Bible (guess who), McCain said he would take a satellite dish. Now whose desert island would you rather be stranded on?)

Vermont: Goddard College has been so cool for so long that a French director named himself after it. But the venerable liberal arts school presents a sand trap for the unwitting candidate.

Take the college's stated belief in "whole person learning: It is in the context of his or her whole life that the student discovers that learning doesn't end -- that the conclusion of one learning experience illuminates the need for new learning. More than that: Each successful learning experience casts a new light on previous learning, by which to revise or reconstruct what one thought one knew."

Bush, they're talking to you! Don't get sucked into the name game, even that old Mary Ann vs. Ginger thing. (Though the governor aced David Letterman's surprise question Wednesday night: "Who is the president of the Hair Club for Men?" Bush socked it right back at him: "Would that be Uncle Sy Sperling?" He should give the number to Gore.)

While student organizations on campus look to be the usual bunch of freaks, the Womyn's Center presents special challenges to the GOP candidates. The club is "based on women's contributions, functions, roles and experiences and is derived from their strengths, while recognizing the limitations of their socially ascribed roles and the nature of their oppression." Here women are invited to "release feelings into our punching bag" -- time for some Secret Service women, boys?

Connecticut: Politics and acting have a lot in common. There's the greasepaint and the hot lights, the need to memorize speeches and feign enthusiasms. And if your show stinks, you close in 12 weeks.

The program at Yale Drama is designed to teach "the crafts of the theater, while the intellectual world of Yale University informs our critical aesthetic ideals." That sounds high-minded, just like a lot of political rhetoric.

But drama school is a deceptive environment. Beneath all the expressions of support and the stated desire to subjugate individual ego lies a cauldron of rank emotion: vengeance, envy, schadenfreude. Peer review plays an important part in the education of aspiring thespians here. "The first year is a highly disciplined period of training," according to the program description. "Through rigorous attention to the text, students learn to identify and personalize a character's driving need (objective) and to engage themselves (voice, body, mind and spirit) in its active pursuit, informed by character-specific listening." A reliance on props is sort of a Bozo no-no, so McCain -- with his action figures and light sabers -- is going to have to dig a little deeper in front of this crowd.

And even though any candidate's appearance here can be cerebral as well as absurd, watch out for the critics in the audience. By the time they're finished, any candidate speaking here may find himself wondering: What's my motivation?