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T A B L E__T A L K

Has Spy magazine folded for good this time? Abandon all hope in the Media area of Table Talk

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R E C E N T L Y

Dunne deal
By James Poniewozik
Absolut's new ad is a splash of commerce, a jigger of art
(02/04/98)

The mystery of O.J.Simpson
By Lori Leibovich
A journalist who interviewed the 20th century's most infamous acquitted man says that she still doesn't know if he did it -- and he may not either
(02/03/98)

Double snooze
By Geoff Edgers
Doubletake aspires to show ordinary people -- but its writers keep sticking their heads in the way
(02/02/98)

Hollywoodland
By Catherine Seipp
City of broad pooper-scoopers
(01/30/98)

Gossip: Too important to leave to amateurs like Ted Koppel?
By Deborah Mitchell
Has the press bottomed out? Editors, gossips face off in NY
(01/29/98)

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red planet

FADING CELEBRITY OWNERS AND SHEEPLIKE TOURISTS WON'T SAVE PLANET HOLLYWOOD FROM AN INVASION OF FREE-MARKET REALITY.
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BY JAMES SUROWIECKI

Eatertainment is dead!

"Eatertainment?" Yep. That's the ungainly neologism coined by writers looking for a way to describe the even-more-ungainly combination of food, theme-park atmosphere and celebrity-ridden hype that is the heart of restaurants like the Hard Rock Cafe, Rainforest Cafe and Planet Hollywood. And the prospect of eatertainment's impending -- and longed for -- demise got sharper late last month when Planet Hollywood announced it was hemorrhaging money. This raises a really important question: How will Bruce and Demi pay for their gambling trips to Las Vegas now?

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are, of course, part of the group of celebrity shareholders on which Planet Hollywood has built its entire business. When the company went public nearly two years ago, Bruce, Demi, Arnold, Sly and Whoopi all owned stock, and Planet Hollywood promised that these celebs would be making in-store appearances, donating memorabilia and generally creating the kind of fame-soaked ambience most people look for when they go out to dinner. Amazingly, all of these celebrities are still involved with the company, at least publicly. (It seems somehow ironic that would-be Republican superstars like Willis and Schwarzenegger are now feeling the pain that the free market is so good at inflicting.) We don't know if they still own all their original stock, but for the sake of their children, let's hope they don't. After last week's announcement, the price of Planet Hollywood shares are now one-quarter of where they were less than a year ago.

Ironically, hidden within the very, very long press release that the company put out to explain why it was foundering was the suggestion that Bruce and Arnold didn't have enough juice anymore to bring in the kids. The company vowed "to inject new excitement into the business" by "broaden[ing] the number of celebrities" associated with the restaurant, "with an emphasis on new, up-and-coming stars." (Imagine that last clause read in a portentous tone to get the full effect.) To that end, a senior executive is being moved out to Hollywood, where his whole job will consist of "cultivating relationships with celebrities and other members of the film industry." If this guy isn't at the Chateau Marmont tonight, he'll be there tomorrow night. Leonardo DiCaprio, watch out.

Maybe cultivating relationships with hot young actors will raise the company's hipness quotient -- though its hard to imagine Matt Damon or Ben Affleck doing Planet Hollywood appearances -- but Planet H's problems run deeper than that. In the first place, it was never clear why anyone, having gone once to Planet Hollywood, would go back a second time. Could the fun of looking at the bike Bruce Willis rode in "Pulp Fiction" be strong enough to offset the mediocre food and an atmosphere with all the charm of LaGuardia Airport? The restaurant business is tough enough in the first place without adopting a strategy that seems to ensure there will be no repeat customers.

Ah, but that's why God invented tourists. The people running Planet Hollywood have always been up-front about the fact that tourism would be their main source of customers. Tourists in strange cities generally don't want to have to work for their entertainment, and many are happier heading for a restaurant that offers some hint of familiarity than confronting the daunting task of plucking a gem from the pages of Zagat's. Planet Hollywood, the idea went, would offer that home-away-from-home for Americans abroad, and, for foreigners, a wonderfully easy entree into American pop culture.

Fair enough. But it also seems reasonable to wonder how big a business can become when it's looking to tourists for most of its income. (Unless, of course, it's Disney.) How many Planet Hollywoods can one city sustain, after all? ("Uptown or downtown, it doesn't matter where you're staying, there'll be a Planet Hollywood just outside your door!") More importantly, there just aren't that many tourist meccas, even in this, the golden age of travel. There are now 78 Planet Hollywoods in the world, but it's not clear there are 78 places in the world where enough tourists go to make up for the lack of any local customers. (Supposedly, "passers-by are drawn to the units' unique façades and exciting environment." "Look, Ma! A unique façade! Let's eat there!")

You can't fault the Planet Hollywood execs for lack of effort. Last March, they cut a deal with Saudi Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, setting up a plan to franchise Planet Hollywoods "throughout the Middle East and Europe." The Beirut Planet Hollywood has not yet been built, but God knows it'll be a wonderful sight once it is.

Ah celebrity, ah humanity! Planet Hollywood has found itself trapped by the horrid reality of fame's evanescence. Chances are Schwarzenegger and Willis are going to be more alluring today than they will be five years from now. (And the company's list of second-tier celebrities, which includes people like Don Johnson and Jean-Claude Van Damme, is truly a melancholy sight.) Also, the aura that's attached to celebrities is attached to them, and not to some prop they used in a movie. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule (Elvis and Jackie O. come to mind). But people swoon (now) at the thought of seeing Bruce Willis -- not at the thought of being in a restaurant of which he's a part-owner. Fame may be painfully real; however, it's a wee bit too ephemeral to build a business around.
SALON | Feb. 5, 1998 

James Surowiecki writes for the Motley Fool and Slate.