Salon Ivory Tower | Think fast and lie

T A B L E_ T A L K

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R E C E N T L Y

Saturday night fever
By Mindy Hung
Stomach flu, a batch of pot brownies and the '60s drug myth: Why one woman can't seem to take any of it seriously
(01/27/99)

Camille on Campus
By Camille Paglia
Warning! Mentorship land mine ahead!
(01/27/99)

The Big Lie
By Michael O'Donovan-Anderson
Why have today's students become a bunch of grade-grubbing morons?
(01/25/99)

Ditching school
By Eli Lehrer
Why would Marc Weiss, a tenure-track professor at Columbia University, give it all up to coordinate tour bus parking?
(01/22/99)

Justifying J-school
By Orville Schell
The dean of UC-Berkeley's Graduate School of Journalism responds to a recent article critical of institutions like (and including) his
(01/22/99)

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THINK FAST AND LIE | PAGE 1, 2,
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Mock, mock, mock! It's very easy to start feeling depressed when one encounters senior friends who have impeccably well-laid plans: med school, Peace Corps, high paying corporate jobs. Don't get bummed -- put that well-developed collegiate wit to good use. Remember, these people are not true intellectuals. They're hopelessly predictable, stodgy and practical. They should be ruthlessly and sarcastically trimmed down to size. No mercy.

Develop some comforting breathing and meditation techniques. I myself go through old academic articles and pick out random phrases like: "Conclusively, theater has become extinct in our post-modern moment," or: "The Freudians focus instead on the nomenclature of the marine mammal." I sit in the lotus position and, breathing deeply, repeat them lovingly to myself. As a graduate I have forgotten what the phrases mean, but the sound of all those big words brings me peace.

Develop expensive hobbies. Tour some wineries and develop a taste for good chardonnay. Buy a plane ticket for a ski trip in Aspen. Decide that you want the fastest Internet connection on your block. These tactics, I find, do wonders in later providing you with more effective motivation to find a job. Also, they fool you psychologically into thinking you're a real grown-up. (Buying lots of nice suits and getting an expensive professional haircut works for this, too.)

After you've received your diploma, reward yourself well. Never forget that you are the same extraordinary human being who made an A in martial arts and wrote a brilliant paper on "A Midsummer Night's Dream" while intoxicated at 3 in the morning. Set aside your parents' ominous warnings about rent checks and loan payments. It's time to celebrate, right? Helpful hints: I threw a party, rode several roller coasters and drove across the country for several weeks with my boyfriend.

Once graduated, write thank-you notes for the many graduation checks you will receive in order to initiate your aforementioned expensive hobby. (If you didn't receive any, then perhaps a few carefully worded notes will get the money flowing.) Use this opportunity to keep practicing your academic writing; this useful skill will surely come in handy throughout your life.

Maintain intellectual dignity at all costs. Sometime it's hard, I admit. You may question why you had several years of French, only to wear a tip apron and explain to successful bankers what "soup du jour" means. There will be that moment when, looking into the vacant stare of your supervisor, you realize that your background in Plato, Joyce or avant-garde theater doesn't mean anything right now. Do not panic. Take a deep breath, and review this list. There is a job out there for people who know obscure details about Renaissance-era performance spaces, you just need to stay alive long enough to be the one to find it.

This advice is neither flippant nor fabricated in any way. The first jobs you take out of college will set you on a path that you later may regret. If you are confused, reticent, unemployable and terrified, then at least have some fun with this period of inevitable chaos and try to have an adventure or two. It's not easy to graduate with an expensive degree that prepares you for nothing more than more expensive school. But others before you have faced the same conundrum and some of us are figuring it out without deciding to suddenly become different people -- responsible, income earning grown-ups. At least this is how I rationalize my situation.

The absurd details I use in this piece are in fact my life. Well, right now, anyway, although I recently did apply to the Zoological Keeper College in Lima to do some work with rain forest apes. I have already purchased some rain gear, a pair of jungle boots and a guide to Peruvian dining. I know, now you don't believe me. But wait until next year. I just might see you there.
SALON | Jan. 29, 1999

Katy Shrout is a recent graduate of Emory University.

Are you an underemployed scholar, a proud but jobless owner of a spanking new bachelor's degree or a student struggling to make ends meet? Send questions about getting a life outside the ivory tower to askcarol@salonmagazine.com for a new advice column by Carol Lloyd, author of "Creating a Life Worth Living," a career guide for creative people.