Jan. 7, 2000

A horny horde of Middle Eastern miscreants carnally defiled the Islamic holy month of Ramadan on millennium night, according to the Jan. 3 Agence France-Presse.

The frolicking fornicators were arrested at dawn on a farm 12 miles south of Kuwait City. Twenty-six men and 11 women were accused of the rambunctious crimes of prostitution, using and possessing drugs, organizing an illegal dance and immoral behavior during Ramadan. The busted male revelers included 14 Kuwaitis, two Saudis, two Bangladeshis, three Egyptians, one Bahraini and one Iraqi, while the allegedly wanton women were a Kuwaiti "pimp" (madam) and her stable of 10 "hostesses" (prostitutes). The madam reputedly raked in $330 for each happy hooker she provided.

Ramadan commemorates the bestowal of the Koran from Allah to the prophet Mohammad and humanity. The world's 1 billion Muslims are supposed to spend this sanctified time fasting, reading the Koran, performing charitable deeds and purifying their behavior.

What went wrong? Kuwait's interior ministry will probably blame the sexual sins of the sacrilegious 37 on the evil influence of Western permissiveness. In recent years, many male Kuwaitis have established Hugh Hefner-style "party flats" at beach chalets and farms. Illegal bars pour pernicious alcohol and offer Arab "hostesses" for erotic entertainment.

The morality police may also scapegoat foreigners. Expatriates (primarily male industrial workers from the above-mentioned countries, plus India and Iran) constitute two-thirds of the oil kingdom's 2.2 million population, creating a veritable geyser of untapped masculine libido. Brothels have sprung up to ease the lust of these lonely laborers. In 1999, alarmed officials started cracking down on the licentious outsiders by expelling 1,000 expats for "moral crimes pertaining to prostitution."

If convicted, the Y2K playgirls and playboys will face ghastly sentences: up to seven years in prison and a $22,750 fine. The Persian Gulf nation obviously doesn't want its deserts turned into Burning Man East, but controlling the ardor of the abundant single men may be as difficult as putting out an oil fire.