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Recently in Salon Health & Body

Urge
Stop raping my loved ones
Dating a victim of sexual assault means learning, awfully, how rape touches everyone.
By Andrew Strickman
[03/28/00]

Urge: Naked World
Battle of the bra barons
There's a cat fight brewing over who is the mother of the latest cleavage creator.
By Jack Boulware
[03/28/00]

Urge: Naked World
Bye-bye, pimpmobile
What's a guy supposed to do without wheels?
By Jack Boulware
[03/27/00]

The hardest question
Even after doing it hundreds of times, it's never easy to ask someone whether they want you to let them die.
By Jeff Drayer
[03/27/00]

Urge
Sling shot
My sexologist date put me in a leather sling, in the hopes of inducing the elusive female ejaculation.
By Kate Coleman
[03/25/00]

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One of the most gorgeous aspects of my current relationship is that this conversation was never necessary. Just after we met, he read an essay of mine that went into some detail about my painful past. In fact, he loved the essay so much, he'd sent a note saying as much. That note led me to ask him out to lunch. That lunch led to our first date. That date has lasted a year and a half and still counting. Knowing that he knew made entering the relationship palpably easier, safer. I already knew he wouldn't disappoint me with his reaction to the news that I'd been through this awful thing. Not only had he already reacted compassionately, but he'd openly expressed admiration for how I'd chosen to deal with it. His mature and wise response was a rare and precious gift.

Also Today Urge: Stop raping my loved ones Dating a victim of sexual assault means learning, awfully, how rape touches everyone. By Andrew Strickman

I am yoked to this thing. It is as much a fact of my existence as my major organ systems or the man and woman who joined to create me. It is woven into my identity, my sexuality, my approach to information and responses to others so intricately that extricating it would be akin to self-lobotomizing.

In stripping me of my trust of authority, being sexually violated taught me to question everything -- the birth of my cherished iconoclasm occurred on a shag carpet covered in semen, blood and tears. It's given me an edge, a strength that has helped me overcome lesser crises. It has also given me nightmares and an unhealthy fear of the world that sometimes makes it difficult to even go outside. It's made me want to die; it's made me want to live as an act of vengeance on those who have hurt me.

All I can do is talk about it, write about it, express and manipulate it -- or let it sit and stagnate inside of me. It is part of who I am. If you accept me, you accept it.

Just as there is no one typical response to hearing that someone you care about has been sexually assaulted, there is no standard reaction for women who are working through the rape itself. For some, it is their first introduction to a series of abusive relationships. Many women walk away from the crime only to develop a steadfast hatred of their bodies and sexuality, often expressed through promiscuity or, conversely, frigidity. Some lose the ability to have an orgasm, or to develop trusting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex. A few women become activists, speaking out against this cancer in our society; many women never speak of it at all.

What always holds true is that a woman who has been raped is a woman whose worldview is forever altered. Her faith in humanity's goodness and her trust in others are damaged, if not completely destroyed.

How this all plays out in her romantic relationships is as unpredictable as people themselves. But when a woman who's been raped becomes romantically and sexually involved with a man, or another woman, you can be certain that the rape continues to play out -- whether she brings it up or not. To say it doesn't affect things is to lie. This is why the when, why, where and who of divulging the information is so important.

To talk of this event is also an act of trust by a person whose trust has been terribly damaged. It should not be taken lightly.

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