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Perhaps this is an example of made-by-hand not being preferable to machine-manufactured.

Other possibilities:

Take off your watch.

Turn off the TV.

Consider foreplay as a form of aerobic exercise.

Acknowledge that women don't respond like outboard motors.

Hire a handyman.

Seriously, everyone is different. Arousability varies greatly but has no relationship to desire, passion, love or sexual enjoyment. Your unstated question is: What is normal arousal? Beats me. An hour with my librarian and we both came up empty-handed (no pun intended). Masters and Johnson, the Kinsey report, the latest sex manuals -- no one has taken a stopwatch to the party. In desperation I asked a single friend who said that the time can vary between a few seconds and a few days.

It is strange that we Americans tend to measure everything. We have stats for the most putts sunk in a snowstorm, yet we don't have a handle on the most basic of questions. My friend probably is right, that there is no average time; on the other hand, I suspect that you are caressing the middle of the belle-shaped curve.

And perhaps not knowing what is normal or average is the best answer. Just keep in mind that, unlike most of the rest of our day, time is not of the essence. Consider the infinite difference between fast food and a gourmet meal.

I've recently turned 45. Unfortunately, it appears I've experienced an early menopause. No period for almost two years, and all the perimenopausal symptoms (night sweats, irritability and anxiety) the previous three years. Since I stopped my period, I have lost my sexual desire completely. I have always been very sexual and enjoyed my sensuality. I am with the love of my life, as of three years ago -- and suddenly, no desire. I also experience very little pleasure sexually. Orgasms, when achieved after massive effort, are pretty mediocre.

Leaving aside the possible psychological aspects of menopause, you should seriously consider the pros and cons of hormone replacement. Remember, some of your body's estrogen is converted into male hormones (androgens). As your estrogen level declines with menopause, so does your level of circulating androgens. Many studies suggest that it is primarily the testosterone level that influences libido and difficulty with orgasm. Replacement therapy can be as simple as a hormone patch.

(On an aesthetic level, I love knowing that male hormones can enhance a woman's libido.)

A second point (sure to get me more hate mail): My informal survey suggests that a woman doctor specializing in menopause (gynecologist/endocrinologist) might be more attuned to your sexual subtleties. Also, be straightforward with your questions. Many of us physicians are embarrassed because the patient is embarrassed. A no-nonsense approach to your sexual questions often puts the doctor at ease.

A good source for menopausal information is Harvard Women's Health Watch

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