Can this marriage be saved?
MTV's "Newlyweds" serves up a riveting spectacle of jealousy, cluelessness and raw onions with its running battle between popster Jessica Simpson and boy-band hubby Nick Lachey.
By Heather Havrilesky
Sept. 9, 2003 | Americans are hopelessly romantic about marriage. Little girls grow up daydreaming about their weddings, believing that their lives from that special day forward will be summed up with the phrase "happily ever after," when the truth is much uglier and more complicated and often includes words like "debt consolidation," "ectopic pregnancy" and "compulsive infidelity."
For those of us who've sidestepped enough flawed long-term relationships to adjust our expectations considerably, transforming ourselves from dreamy princesses in white to financially solvent pragmatists in sensible shoes, the tearful monologues and soulful kisses presented in romantic comedies no longer soothe us. What we find soothing is the specter of supposedly perfect relationships dissolving into pointless bickering, reckless insults, and inconsolable sobbing.
Which is only natural, considering the fact that everyone from movie stars to mere mortals has a bad habit of describing their relationships in unnaturally glowing terms. For those of us who walk around assuming we're the only ones whose relationships are more Archie and Edith than Romeo and Juliet, seeing other couples quarrel with impunity can be a cool salve for the red-hot diaper rash of romantic disappointment.
Thus, it is with open arms that we welcome "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica," the latest reality experiment from MTV featuring the shockingly untested marriage of pop singer Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, former member of the boy band 98 Degrees. Far from the shots of matrimonial bliss through a Vaseline-smeared lens that you'd expect from the title, "Newlyweds" lets all the insecurity and clashes and shocking revelations play out, to the unmitigated delight of viewers at home. Not only do the oddly unguarded squabbles and tense silences dished up by Simpson and Lachey never fail to prove entertaining, they can make even old married couples feel grateful to be past the point of unwelcome surprises.
Thrillingly enough, Simpson and Lachey don't seem to know each other well at all, despite having dated for three years. The honeymoon seems to be ending as the cameras roll, and there's something absolutely mesmerizing about watching these two stare at each other in shock, wondering who replaced Dream Barbie or Dream Ken with such a crabby, impatient jerk. "Being married is definitely everything I thought it would be, but it's different, too," Simpson remarks. "It's not the fairy tale. It's not like you're having picnics every day." Indeed! At least not unless you're homeless.
Simpson fulfills her role as the high-maintenance wife so convincingly, she's sure to inspire cold feet among countless engaged men nationwide. Not only is she unrealistic in her demands on her new husband, but she seems to seek out trouble at every turn. She shows up at the studio where she knows Lachey is auditioning hot female dancers and glares at the girls as they gyrate around her husband.
Later, Simpson retreats to a lingerie store in the hopes of finding something sexy to get her man's mind off those voluptuous sirens, then calls him on his cellphone, distraught, when she discovers that she's just spent $750 on two bras and two pairs of panties that she can't return or exchange. In a sitcom scene out of every little green monster's nightmare, Lachey is forced to take a minute from his lunch with a gaggle of sultry dancers to quietly urge his wife to check out the price tags before she pulls out her credit card.
Despite Lachey's patience, like so many misguided young wives, Simpson treats him like a bad dog that merely needs to be trained to behave. Ever the princess, she complains when Lachey doesn't open the car door for her, and she often sits in place and makes him fetch her things -- and then gets pouty if he comments on the absurdity of her behavior. She may coax coyly, but the bottom line is that her needs come before his. Or, as my grandmother used to say, "She just wants what she wants when she wants it, the little stinker!"
To his credit, Lachey stands up to the little stinker more often than not, particularly when she's whining out of insecurity.
Simpson: "You haven't seemed half-interested in half the things I've said today."
Lachey: "Everything that's comin' out of your mouth is cryin' about something. I'm not interested in it."
Simpson: "I have not cried, or bitched! Screw you."
Later, Simpson is appalled by a brazen show of independence by her husband -- he dares to take the elevator downstairs to rehearse his act without her!
Simpson: "Screw Nick! He left without me? He didn't even say, 'Jess, I'm leaving'? Whatever. I'm over him."
Far from being over it or him, Simpson continues complaining about this blatant neglect all the way down in the elevator, and then, while Lachey is rehearsing, she stands, hands on hips, frowning at him from the audience. The episode ends absurdly with the couple singing a sugary duet together onstage. Ah, matrimonial bliss! If only we could all be as happy as Nick and Jessica!